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The Expendables 2 Game Confirmed – Now Do These Films

The Expendables 2 Game Confirmed – Now Do These Films

Ubisoft confirmed that The Expendables 2 videogame is in the works, due for release on PSN “this summer”.

Taken from the PR release:

The Expendables 2 Videogame invites gamers on an adventure to rescue an extremely valuable, kidnapped billionaire. It’s business as usual, until all hell breaks loose and the explosive mix of testosterone and kerosene detonates in a massive fireball that never lets up. The adventure concludes right where the new movie begins, creating a continuous story experience for fans of the Expendables’ hard-boiled brand of action.

Right. Erm. What? A massive fireball that never lets up? What even is that? Is that even scientifically possible. There also wasn’t a single person who came out of the cinema after The Expendables shouting “wow, wasn’t the story good!” so bragging about “a continuous story experience” is about as exciting as saying “it has a title screen”.

But enough about that. Why doesn’t someone make games of these films?

Commando

We’re obviously hardened professionals powered by balanced opinion,  and the dying hope that Shenmue III one day might happen but honestly, a videogame version of Commando would smash that professional because it would begin at 100% and then have to put together a watertight case as to why the score should be anything lower on our Review-O-Meter.

If could even have multiple dialogue options for Arnie’s one-liners:


See? Brilliant. It wouldn’t have to worry about nonsense endings or space-children turning up or whatever that rubbish at the end of Mass Effect 3 was. It’s just a man walking off into the sunset after killing the bad guy.

Predator

Because it’s got STEALTH in and every publisher loves stealth! It’s basically Metal Gear Solid 3 the FPS. What could go wrong!

(Apart from everything because the Metal Gear controls wouldn’t work in a fast FPS setting and neither would having just one enemy the entire game so whoever develops it would end up making their own enemies like ‘baby predators’ to attack you on level one and ‘tree predators’ to attack you on level 2 and all the forums would be like WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE THIS WASN’T IN THE FILM and you’d also have weapons they never had in Predator like flamethrowers and stuff because there has to be pre-order bonuses because we don’t know why and actually wait this is a really bad idea oh god how do I delete blogs.)

Predator could also be co-op where you choose different members of the squad. Play as Dillon! Strengths: Is Apollo Creed. Weaknesses: His arm is easily severed. Play as Billy! Special move: cuts his own chest because… we don’t know why. But he instantly dies whenever he’s offscreen, so be careful! Play as Jesse Ventura’s character whose name no-one remembers then again it was probably Jesse Ventura as well. He ain’t got time to bleed!

Cobra

There’s obviously a lot of potential for Cobra as a videogame – it has a lot of action, a lot of shooting, a lot of grunts to be killed and a big, bad, main boss. It’s the perfect Eighties videogame. Hell, it even has a Miami setting so the publisher can go “ooooh it’s a bit like GTA” in its advertising campaigns, which is a wet dream for any marketing department.

But mostly, we want to know how this scene would control. Like Heavy Rain? Like L.A. Noire? WHO KNOWS.




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  • Ian Dransfield

    JESSE VENTURA’S CHARACTER IS BLAIN, GOD DAMN YOU KING.

  • A Great Rubber Ducky

    Everyone has dreamed of a Commando movie. Every movie should begin with a million explosions and the main character getting back his daughter of 11 to 17 before tying a rope (attatched to something about to fall of a building, of course) around the baddie’s leg and letting him slide off the building and scream as he plummets to the oddly inevitable explosion below, just as the main character is being rescued by the thought to be dead loyal sidekick in the helicopter. Ah, the 80’s. Life is too boring today.