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The Worst Multiplayer Game On PS3

The Worst Multiplayer Game On PS3

First off, apologies for a particularly grumpy blog post. It seems to be a particularly grumpy day on Play, judging by this morning’s output on the site. My excuse is I’m still catching up on sleep from Saturday, my neck still hurts from Saturday, my bank balance is still recovering from Saturday, Saturday Saturday Saturday, The Saturdays just because, my laptop died last night (not on Saturday) and then an evening of… this.

Mindjack multiplayer.

I don’t get how a game can… I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not even sure how it manages to load, given the utter failure of Mindjack’s multiplayer to do anything a) fun or b) right.

It seems like a clever idea. You play as generic-videogame-guy-whose-name-I-have-forgotten teaming up with generic-hot-chick-whose-name-I-have-also-forgotten. For some reason they’re in an airport, they don’t like each other, they trade awful dialogue like “I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EASY MISSION”, they shoot at the guys in black ninja outfits who are shooting at them because sigh who really cares anyway.

The reason for the single player explanation is it also doubles up as multiplayer, as you can jump in and control Generic Guy or Hot Chick and go up against two players controlling the enemy side, using their mind jack abilities to jump into the shoes of other grunts with guns. Snidey cynicism aside, it’s a cool idea in that you’re going up against real people rather than moaning about how shoddy the AI is.

The only problem is it does EVERYTHING WRONG.

The camera never works. The rules are never explained. Blindfiring leaves you exposed. The hitboxes are broken. Better players get better perks, unbalancing the leveling up system. In one level, the player on the enemy side – douchetrooper69 or something – was shooting at our team, then turned into a robot gorilla, pounded his chest and ran away. Through a wall. Before spawning a small army of mech-gorillas. With guns on their heads. WHAT IS GOING ON.

Now you’re probably thinking hey! You can turn into a gorilla! That’s pretty awesome. And it should be because shit, I’d love to turn into a gorilla and run through the wall nearest me, beats sitting here moaning about how my neck hurts and how much I hate Mindjack. But when you throw random gorillas into a game that doesn’t explain why they’re there or any of the other rules in the game mode you’re playing or WHY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EASY MISSION, it adds up to the most confusing, disorientating, off-putting, garbled nonsense you’ll ever have the displeasure of sitting through.

WHY HAVE YOU TURNED INTO A GORILLA

In the meantime, the awkward story rumbles onward with gorillas running through walls, more awkward dialogue, the camera pointing at the sky, accidentally mindjacking into the wrong people, levels being replayed for no apparent reason (then others not being replayed), cover still not giving you cover, another gorilla… it’s the messiest, scrappiest, roughest shooter I’ve ever played. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Ever.

EVER.




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