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The Ultimate Sony E3 Conference Wishlist

The Ultimate Sony E3 Conference Wishlist

Like the build up to a new Sonic game I have a tendency to get very excited just before E3 begins and then feel incredibly let down once it’s all over. Is it because I build it up as something more than it could ever possibly be or is it just crap? (E3 I mean, not Sonic games… the the answer to that is sadly rather obvious)

But in order to keep the crushing weight of disappointment from pulverising my soul I’ve compiled a wishlist for Sony’s E3 press conference that is so ridiculous that it should keep my feelings in check.


PlayStation 4 – More powerful than the Sun
Demoed on stage at the end of the conference the PS4 will be revealed from underneath a red silk cloth, exploding with light and burning everyone in the auditorium to a crisp. Everyone will be very upset, but we’ll be even more wowed by the power of this new machine and just how much more amazing Gran Turismo will look on it… if we can find a way to approach without being incinerated.


PSP2 priced at £0 – Free for everyone

Microsoft pulled the wool over journalists’ eyes at last year’s E3 when they gave everyone in attendance a brand new slim Xbox 360. That was backhanded and not nice. Well, not nice for those of us not fortunate enough to be sitting in that room. We got screwed. As the a response to this the PSP2/NGP will be announced to cost £0 (the equivalent of $0 for our American readers) and released to the world that very day. Several hundred men, women and children will be killed in the crush to reach the local videogame store, but at least they’ll die with a PSP2 in their hands.


God Of War/Heavenly Sword crossover – Co-op slashing

We scoffed at the idea that God Of War III would feature any kind of multiplater mode. It just didn’t fit. After all who could possibly stand toe to toe with Kratos? Who could match him swing for swing and pound for pound of flesh? Well, how about Nariko of Heavenly Sword? Her skills with a blade are easily as accomplished as Kratos’ and her moves just as deadly. Combined these two would be a force to be reckoned with and will make the greatest PS3 exclusive of all time (until the release of Lair 2).


Uncharted Movie – to star Nathan Fillion and directed by J.J. Abrams

David O. Russell is dead. Or rather he’s off the Uncharted movie project. And happy days Mark Wahlberg is gone too. Hurrah! That leaves an opening for Sony to announce a brand new directir/Actor partnership for its new flagship movie franchise with fan favourite Nathan Fillion (of Firefly and Saving Private Ryan fame) teaming up with J.J. Abrams (of Star Trek and Mission Impossible III fame). The Academy will immediately hand them each an Oscar declaring this to be the best movie ever made (even though it hasn’t started shooting) and peace will be declared globally in celebration.


LittleBigPlanet 3 – The LBP Theme Park

With the virtual world of playing, creating and sharing well and truly conquered thanks to LBP2, Media Molecule will announce that LittleBigPlanet 3 will be a theme park rather than a game allowing you to create your own real world games and challenges and share them with other park goers. The theme park will be about the same size as Leicester to accomodate all of these amazing creations, which is fortunate because that’s exactly where it will be built, covering the entire city.

Half-Life 3 – Exclusive to PS3
Screw Xbox… lulz


Cake

Sony announces cake. All cake prior to the announcement of Sony Cake was false cake. This is the first cake. Cake doesn’t start until Sony says so.




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