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Mass Effect 3 – Dudebro Shooter 3000

Mass Effect 3 – Dudebro Shooter 3000

Why? And how. Seriously, how? How has EA done this. How has EA found everything I feared, hated and loathed would happen to Mass Effect 3 and then made sure it happened Mass Effect 3? Sorcery is the only logical explanation. I blame John Riccitiello for this. I don’t even know why. BioWare has gone a bit… wonky since EA took over (see also: Dragon Age 2) so Riccitiello must be the sorcerer overlord at the heart of this madness. Don’t bother attacking him. Your earth weapons only make him angry.

I was going to write a proper blog post that wasn’t just a list of bulletpoints but if you want to see that you need to buy the Play Blog Pass and that’s only available if you pre-order the next issue of Play from WH Smiths (if you pre-order from Tesco you get a slightly different edition of the magazine where we make more sausage roll jokes and make the pictures slightly bigger). So for now, you’re probably stuck with bulletpoints instead. Sorry.

  • Multiplayer. Okay. Sure. Not that anyone believes the “this is what fans always wanted!” singing and dancing by BioWare but fine. It’s an option to scroll through on the main menu.
  • Online pass. Well of course there’s an online pass. It’s 2012. You don’t get multiplayer without online passes. It would be like seeing Barry Chuckle on his own. And apparently people do actually do that because he has 500 more Twitter followers than Paul Chuckle but that’s not the point. You get multiplayer, you get online passes.
  • The leaked script. No idea whether to read into what emerged as being real or not – BioWare’s reaction certainly gave some degree of authenticity to the leaked details – but it’ll make for a strange ending if what leaked true, in that a lot of supposedly major choices of previous games won’t actually matter. BioWare has time to add NPCs to say ‘hey, remember the Rachni?’ as you walk past them, so it’s probably okay now. Immersion!
  • The leaked beta. The EA hit squad will be prepping the tear gas canisters at us merely mentioning the leaked beta, if the scorched earth policy to cover up its existence following the actualy leak is anything to go by, but the most worrying thing to come out of the hoo-ha was the inclusion of a mode where you ignore the story altogether and focus on the shooting. “Dude, let’s put Rocky on! Skip all the dialogue, it sucks bro!”
  • Action over RPG. BioWare has made all the right noises about addressing the action/RPG balance, which tilted in favour of the shooting side of Mass Effect 2, but if anything it seems to be leaning more and more in favour of gunplay and shootouts. The most recent public showing of Mass Effect 3 was at the Spike TV awards, where you run a bit and push a button. Woah.
  • James ‘The Situation’ Vega. The most dudebro character in the history of dudebros. If you ignore him long enough Shepard drops him back off at Jersey Shore.
  • The endless pre-order DLC bonus initiatives nonsense shenanigans. I don’t know what you get from where or how to get Super Duper Mega Noober Uber Boober Laser or Shitcannon 3000 whatever else EA is offering if you pre-order three millenia in advance from your local Blockbusters and I don’t really care. It’s more nonsense marketing fluff to put up with in the meantime.
  • The Mass Effect 3 figurines with DLC. Sigh.
  • Jessica Chobot likeness and voice. Erm, what. Jessica Chobot previewed it two weeks ago and now she’s in the game. Erm. What. This could set a new precedent. Ian Dransfield stars in Killzone 4 as Angry Man! Ian Dransfield stars in Assassin’s Creed III as Angry Man! Ian Dransfiyou get the point.

Mass Effect should be good. It could be brilliant. The original Mass Effect was one of this gen’s genuine surprises, a cleverly put together sci-fi that hinted at epic potential beyond its introduction of the gameplay, characters and setting. Mass Effect 2 was also brilliant, looser with the RPG elements and more action orientated and lacking a central figure as dominant as Saren but it was still a very, very, very bloody good game. So the precedent is there, BioWare aren’t idiots, the scale of what we’ve seen in Mass Effect 3 thus far is impressive.

But all this DLC nonsense? Multiplayer? Jessica Chobot?! This game is one dudebro high-five away from tumbling into the Do Not Want zone. Please don’t screw this up, BioWare.

Please.




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  • Conor

    After Dragon age 2 i began to worry for Mass effect 3 and it looks like i was right to worry coz Bioware are gonna screw up ME3 just like they screwed up Dragon age 2.

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