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It turns out The Darkness was actually rubbish

It turns out The Darkness was actually rubbish

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“Have you ever loved someone who was so beautiful and pure, you couldn’t bear to show them your own darkness?”
What? Oh, do shut up you boring goth tit. This quote might read like it was taken from the online profile page of some pasty-faced, bandy-legged ninny who says that no one understands him because he’s such an individual, and whose real name is Keith, but insists that everyone call him Blackthorne because it sounds scary and also because it’s the name of the cider he drinks with blackcurrant in it because he thinks that makes it look like blood… but it’s not. It’s taken from the script of a videogame, which supposedly has among the best stories, characters and dialogue ever seen in the medium. Yeah right. Slagging off The Darkness’s gameplay is too easy. Even fans of the game will admit that the action is slow, tedious and fiddly. But when they claim that the mediocre gameplay doesn’t matter and that the story is amazing and that The Darkness is a fresh, new kind of FPS they are wrong, wrong and wrong again. Of course gameplay matters – it’s a game. Gameplay should always be the most important consideration in games because it’s what makes them different to other forms of entertainment. It’s what makes games, games. If you’re so fussed about the story and so willing to ignore the limits of the gameplay, why the hell are you playing a game at all? Go read a comic or watch a movie or something. But even if we were willing to brush aside our reservations about The Darkness’s gameplay, we’d still have a word or two hundred to say about its story. Jackie Estacado is nothing more than a personification of what every lonely nerd in a black, leather trench coat wishes he could be. Let’s just run through a quick list of factors that feed into your typical, everyday, painfully pathetic goth fantasy, shall we? See what tallies with The Darkness…Darkness? Check. Babbling on in a pseudo-poetic fashion about beauty and purity? Check. Biting people? Check. Being rejected by your family because you’re weird? Check. Exacting violent, bloody revenge on normal people? Check. Sexual frustration? Check. Inner turmoil? Check. Self-harm? Check. Suicide? Check. Snakey things? Check. Cuddling in front of the telly? Check. We could go on, but it’s getting really boring, isn’t it? All this talk of cuddling, television and being boring brings us onto our next issue with The Darkness. When people talk about how ‘fresh’ and ‘impressive’ it is, they cite stuff like the bits where you use the phone, or the bits where you watch TV for hours on end, or the bit where you have a cuddle. Are they really that desperate for company? If you really need to phone people and snuggle up on a sofa with a girl in a videogame to forget about the horrifying loneliness of the real world then that’s fine – each to their own. But don’t try to tell us it’s impressive. It’s not, it’s really, really sad. And as for the in-game TV… you have a TV in the real world – so bloody use it! Think about what you’re actually doing here. Watching a TV in a videogame, which is itself displayed on a TV is like… like… it’s like… having a wank while fantasising about having a wank. Pointless, stupid and weird.

The views expressed in this post are purely fictional and any resemblance to views held by any real persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.




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  • Dave Moore

    and you ask us to keep it clean!!!?

  • Kieran

    It does say in the comments section to “Be nice. Keep it clean.”. Still a brilliant review though. No better analogy out there lol 🙂

  • john

    why did u give it a good review then??

  • MarkeyMan90

    Gonna have to disagree loved the game, funny J’accuse though.