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E3: Excitement Overload. Or: Why Games Are Rubbish

E3: Excitement Overload. Or: Why Games Are Rubbish

So what has the opening salvo from E3 shown us? The conferences by Sony, EA, Ubisoft, Microsoft, whoever else I’ve forgetten – what have they given us to mull over, for our brains to chew on for a while?

Well, it looks like they’ve settled on a sure-fire way of making all games forever brilliant: man-shooting.

Sony’s conference was littered with clues and allusions to the fact, before the main presentations showed us exactly what the gaming public wants in the shape of Man Shooter V: This Time It’s Man Shooting. The crowd, predictably, like the clueless apes they are, went wild. This was swiftly followed up with the announcement of Man Shooter Vita, though details on that were thin on the ground.

This backs up the earlier announcements of two earlier Man Shooter titles being remastered in HD and released on a single, man-shooting Blu-ray disc. It’s the future, and it sounds as spectacular as we always hoped.

Away from the sports side of things, EA didn’t let us down with their announcements. Man Shooter XVI: Pretty Dust Edition lead us into an as-yet unexplored world where man-shooting didn’t actually happen for a good few minutes. Fortunately the usual safety blanket was soon returned to the player and lots of men were shot. This, along with Insomniac’s new Man Shooter: Wacky Edition, means we’ve got a hell of a lot of man-shootery fun to look forward to from the current best publisher in the world.

Ubisoft managed to keep their presentation very much in character, offering us both Man Shooter XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: Soulless Edition and Man Shooter III: This Time It’s Back In A Jungle But Who Really Cares? V2.0. Both games displayed Ubi’s usual lack of lack of pretentiousness and managed to get my excitement gland working overtime as I imagined all the occasions in future I’ll be able to shoot. Men. In a game. Because that’s something you never get to do in games.

Microsoft – I have to talk about them, even though we’re a PlayStation publication. I have to give them kudos for their Man Shooter XVXVIII: Talk At It Edition, which brings the future of gaming to us here, right now, through the medium of voice control. We’ve literally never had voice control before in any game, let alone a man-shooting one. It’s a refreshing sight of what the future can be, and the stunning lengths that Kinect can go to – who would have imagined controlling games with your voice just a few years ago? Man-shoot madness, no doubt.

All in all, this is the best opening salvo from any E3 ever. I can’t wait to play all these incarnations of Man Shooter and I definitely don’t despair for this industry. I certainly don’t think it’s creatively bankrupt, nor do I think the most interesting games only come out of the independent market, or the less mainstream developers.

Christ, E3 is shit.

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