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A Gentleman’s Guide To Modern Warfare 2

A Gentleman’s Guide To Modern Warfare 2


Now look here! All this Modern Warfare 2 online carry on might be a jolly lark, but one mustn’t forget one’s etiquette. We’re not savages, you know. One isn’t just representing oneself out there on the battlefield. It’s a game played across the world wide web, and it’s up to us as proud British gentlemen to represent our sovereign nation in a manner befitting subjects of Her Majesty the Queen. That means playing by the rules, keeping a stiff upper lip when things aren’t going our way and conducting ourselves in good order without resorting to foul language, or suggesting that our opponents, ahem… ‘play for the other team’. Well, obviously they do play for the other team, that’s why they’re our opponents, but we mean it in another way. We mean that it would be improper to imply our foes were, you know, ‘musical’. Not that it would matter if they were. In fact, that’s actually the point.

So, now that’s thoroughly clear, here are 10 more Modern Warfare 2 dos and don’ts for the respectable gentleman gamer…

DO take regular breaks from playing. Wage war for more than a few hours at a time without stopping and your performance will be impaired, as will your physical and mental well-being and your capacity to consume dairy produce without depositing an excess on the periphery of your facial aperture. Just ask this poor chap.

DO NOT attempt to appropriate an airdrop called in by a colleague unless the colleague in question has fallen on the field. By all means aid in his defence of the dropzone, but when the package arrives the gentlemanly thing to do is to maintain watch while he opens it, not to try and get to it before he does like some degenerate scallywag.

DO use the Mute function. Better to rise above any bothersome, ill-mannered bickering than to let oneself be drawn down to the level of riff-raff by telling uncouth oiks to “Shut up!” We’re above all that sort of thing, we’re British, don’t you know.

DO NOT locate your instrument of microphonic vociferation in the immediate vicinity of your instruments of aural amplification, lest the sound emitting from the latter be transmitted through the former, thus causing an irritating echo effect for all your fellow players. It’s just not on.


DO play as a team. Remember that while you might earn more experience in the short-term by fighting to serve your own ends, much greater bonuses will be awarded to those who served on the winning team, and only one thing will guarantee a win for your team – teamwork. So man up and do your bit for the war effort, there’s a good chap.

DO NOT use communication channels to provide everyone else in the match with a running commentary of everything you’re doing. Elucidations should be direct, concise and informative. “Sniper overlooking control point Alpha” is good communication. “I only need three more kills with this gun before I get the heartbeat scanner, I like this gun but it’s not my favourite, I think my favourite is the M16A4, it definitely was in Modern Warfare 1, but this is better than Modern Warfare 1, my mate reckons Call Of Duty: World At War is better but he’s just a n00b, I like the zombie Nazi mode though, it’s…” is not.

DO use an instrument of microphonic vociferation when playing Spec Ops mode online. Spec Ops is designed to be played co-operatively and if you’re greeting your partner with a stoney silence then you’re bally well not co-operating, and that’s that.

DO NOT play Modern Warfare 2 online if your voice has not yet broken. In the first instance, you’re not yet of sufficient age to be experiencing such a savage and abrasive presentment of the unseemly toil of war. And in the second instance, the pitch of your vocalization is such that it afflicts quantifiable distress upon the auscultatory appendages of your elder associates.

DO enjoy yourself. It might be a representation of the most terrible, shameful and senseless of mankind’s unshakable habits, but that doesn’t mean Modern Warfare 2 shouldn’t be a hoot and a jape for all involved. If you’re getting frustrated, take a break or perhaps try your hand a different game mode. There’s no need to unleash your chagrin upon the bulwarks or furnishings of your own home or, worse still, the electronic recreation apparatus via which you are interfacing with the game.

DO NOT see fit to administer your doltish, sexist, racist, homophobic, ignorant, bigoted inferences with the rest of us. It is not our wish to be subjected to such wearisomeness. Kindly desist.

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