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Top 20 games for wussies

Top 20 games for wussies

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a wussy, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the games listed here. I’m just saying that if you do happen to be a wussy, these are 20 games you must own. Wussy.


Brütal Legend
What? You’re all leather and denim and spikes and facial hair and smoking and heavy metal and you’re crying? Crying because you’re going to start a revolution? What’s your favourite band? Cryin’ Maiden? Manowaaaaagh? Black Sobath? Papa Roach?

Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
What kind of a wussy crawls around and dies just because a nuclear bomb went off in his face? That’s just quitting. If he wasn’t such a Wuss McWusswuss he’d have mutated and developed incredibly atomic super powers.

Street Fighter IV
Where I come from, you know what we call muscley guys with shaven chests standing around in their pajamas slapping each other? Yeah… that’s right… wussies! And in the case of Super Street Fighter IV – Super Wussies!

Killzone 2
Oh, so your buddy died and now he’s in a box on a trolley with all the other boxes on trolleys and you’re trying not to cry. Man up, you’re a soldier not a wussy. Quit sobbing and go kill some stuff. That’ll make you feel better. Attaboy!

A game about a dog made of paintbrushes running around painting stuff to save the world from darkness? What are you, some kind of woof… I mean wuss?


Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell
This Sam Fisher guy thinks he’s so tough, but all he ever does is hide. C’mon man, come out of the shadows and fight, you big, skin-tight clothes wearing wussbag.

God Of War
Dude’s wearing a skirt. Clearly a wussy.

Grand Theft Auto IV
What’s everyone crying about? Someone got shot at a wedding? So? Did all the booze get stolen? No, then it’s still a wedding as good any other. Now dry your eyes and go get drunk, you wussies.

Gears Of War 2
There are two ways a real man deals with finding his vegatabilised wife imprisoned in a pod. One is to shrug it off and find some other chick. The other is to man the hell up, remember your duty as a husband and give her the thorough seeing to she still has the moral and legal right to receive. Crying is only an option for wussies.

Halo 3
You know why Master Chief wears that helmet? So no one can see how much he cries all the time. When Sgt. Johnson dies, he’s crying so much in there he nearly drowns. He’s the Xbox’s flagship wussy, and no mistake.


Devil May Cry
Point 1) Only a wussy would want to play a game with the word ‘cry’ in the title. Point 2) There are flowers in this game. Point 3) That haircut. Point 4) Wussies.

Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time
Apart from those trousers and that beard, the thing that makes the prince a really massive wussy is that he’s got a hot chick and a knife that turns back time and all he does is use it to save her life then get all sad because she doesn’t remember him. If he were a real man he’d y’know, do stuff with her, then turn back time and be glad she didn’t remember him.

The Darkness
Jackie Estacado is a goth, and everyone knows goths are wussies. The kind of wussies who make out they’re all about death and darkness and stuff, but all they really want to do is snuggle.

Half-Life 2
“I love you”, “Close your eyes honey”, “Oh my God… dad… don’t leave me…” It’d be enough to make me puke, if puking weren’t a totally wussy thing to do. Nearly as wussy as crying, but not quite.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons Of Liberty
Raiden is the biggest wussy ever. End of.


Seriously, if you need it explaining to you why this game is for wussies, you’re a double wussy. Go arrange some flowers – the rest of us will be eating raw meat and trimming our huge, manly beards with chainsaws.

It’s a game about holding hands, ferchrisakes. Real men don’t hold hands; real men grab each other round the neck really hard and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Or if, as in this case, you’re with a chick – pull her ‘round by her hair.

Exactly what this is about is unclear, but one popular interpretation is that Tim’s quest to rescue a princess from a monster is some kind of metaphor for getting over being dumped by his girlfriend. What a wussy! Why doesn’t he get over it in the traditional, manly way? Getting another girl – an easy one.

Final Fantasy VII
The number of gamers that admit to crying when Aeris cries sickens me, honestly it does. The crying is bad enough, but we’re talking about a girl who sells flowers here. Flowers! The wussiest of all nature’s gifts.


Lost Odyssey
There is more crying in this game than in any other ever. The waterworks almost never stop. Plus there are a lot of flowers in it. And long, wussy emo haircuts for good measure. Therefore it is the wussiest videogame ever.

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  • goalieman43

    Terrible article…what is the point?

  • lDEFYl

    well that makes me about 75% wussie then :/

  • Torii

    I’m assuming I get away with playing most of these games, being a girl and all?