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The E3 announcements that really count

The E3 announcements that really count


Never mind games. The last thing anyone needs to hear about when they’re jet-lagged, exhausted, dead on their feet, starving, dehydrated, sweating, stinking and irritable on the E3 show floor is another damn game. No, here are the things those poor souls on the E3 frontline really want to hear…

“There is a massive, free, all-you-can-eat buffet somewhere around here”
Obviously, this is a welcome announcement wherever you are, but at E3 it’s huge. Whatever else you might be doing, whatever appointments you have can wait – if you don’t find the buffet NOW, it’ll be gone.

“Gabe Newell has just used the restroom next to the massive, free, all-you-can-eat buffet”
It’s not exactly good news, but everyone will be glad to have had the warning. Trouble is, exactly what is the half-life of a Gabe Newell poop? When is it safe to go in? I didn’t really want to make this joke, but the rest of the PLAY team made me. After all Gabe Newell has given gamers, we have no right to mock his bowels.

“Ice cold water”
Preferably free, of course, but at E3 most would gladly pay well over market rates for a cool, refreshing bottle of H2O. The only water you’re likely to come into contact with in a typical E3 morning otherwise is the sweat from other people’s bodies. Doesn’t matter how much of that you drink either, you’ll still be thirsty.

“A seat in the West Hall has just been vacated and is now empty”
But it won’t be for long. Run! RUN! Actually, don’t bother. If you’re not already in the vicinity keeping your eye out for somewhere to sit, you don’t stand a chance. You’re just going to have to sit, or perhaps curl up in the foetal position, on the floor like everyone else.

“Wardrobe malfunction at the Tecmo Koei booth! Wardrobe malfunction!”
Now, if you think I’m suggesting that such an announcement would be reason to head for the Tecmo Koei booth in case the said wardrobe malfunction has befallen a Dead Or Alive babe then you’re wrong. No, this announcement is your signal to either pin yourself flat against a wall or find a table to hide under so that you aren’t crushed to death by the stampede.

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