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Six ways game companies could branch out to pastures new

Six ways game companies could branch out to pastures new


Kenzo Tsujimoto, CEO of Capcom, has recently opened himself a $100 million winery in the Napa Valley of California. It’s alright for some. Still, blinding jealousy aside (and massive urge to consume Capcom Wine ignored, as it’s only 10:10am) we thought we could come up with suggestions for endeavours other gaming companies could get involved in. If any of you publishers or developers take us up on these suggestions you owe us royalties, or something.

EA Redwood Smoked Cheddar: Taking the milk from the world-renowned Redwood Cow, this would produce a particularly aggressive cheese. One fond of attacking the reputation of its competitors while releasing similar, competing cheeses to those already on the market.

Popcap’s Cap-popper: An ale of the finest calibre – easy to drink, addictive and light enough to be enjoyed every day. Some would say there isn’t enough depth, but they’d just be the ones that hadn’t actually tried it.

Bethesda Beef Tomatoes: Maryland is well-known for its beef tomato production suites (we made that up, it isn’t) and the Bethesda brand would be among the finest. Nuclear engineering would push the size of the tomato to almost unmanageable dimensions, meaning it would take dozens – if not hundreds – of hours to really consume it all. The flip-side of this is that these toms would disappoint the fans of older, smaller, worse tomatoes from the company.

Valve’s Special Sauce: The tagline writes itself – “Open the Valve and let loose our Special Sauce!” It’s a crap tagline, but it did write itself. This sauce would be capable of being added to any existing foodstuff and turning into something truly memorable – though it would be particularly delicious on First-Person Pie.

Sony-branded PlayStation Home Hat Merchandising: The title explains it all, and the product really wouldn’t bring anything more to the table. In fact, all it would bring to the table would be the sensation you really are wasting your time and that this is all a bit bland. Other clothes – and dancing lessons – would follow.

Activision’s Luxury Housing: This housing would be marketed at a premium rate, for the discerning house-buyer. What the marketing wouldn’t mention would be that the housing is – arguably – worse than that produced the year before, and some of the decor is out and out tasteless. Spinning coffins being a particular highlight.

Do you have any suggestions of your own? The best ones will win a prize! (Not really)

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