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Real Time – Going for a Chinese with the Street Fighter gang

Real Time – Going for a Chinese with the Street Fighter gang

Chun_Li

Continuing with the Play blog’s bold new direction, we have yet another debut for what we hope will become a regular feature. This one’s called Real Time and involves us imagining what it would be like if our favourite game characters led ordinary lives like the rest of us.

Assessments of yesterday’s alternative endings to Modern Warfare 2 ranged from ‘rubbish’ to ‘very funny’ so bear in mind we’re still getting to grips with this outrageous comedy lark.

Without further ado, here’s the ‘script’ to a Street Fighter social do at a Chinese restaurant somewhere in the UK…

It is early evening on an ordinary British High Street. An unusual looking group of nine people is gathered outside of a Chinese restaurant called The Spinning Bird. They are nine of the twelve characters featured in the original version of Street Fighter II – Ryu, Ken, E. Honda, Blanka, Zangief, Guile, Vega, Sagat and M. Bison. They appear to be waiting for someone.

E. Honda: Let’s just go in and order. So he misses his starter. So what?

Ken: Are you sure you invited him?

Ryu: Who?

Ken: Balrog.

Ryu: Yeah. I did. He’s here.

Ryu points at Vega.

Ken: That’s not Balrog, that’s Vega.

Ryu & E. Honda (together): No, it’s Balrog. That’s Vega.

They both point at M. Bison.

E. Honda: Now let’s go eat.

Ken: What? That’s M. Bison.

Ryu: M. Bison isn’t even here. Weren’t you supposed to invite him?

Ken: I did. It’s you who didn’t invite Balrog, you dummy.

Vega: Guys.

Ryu: Who you calling a dummy, you stupid blonde…

Vega: Guys!

Ken: Right… that’s it! Shoryu…

Vega: GUYS!

Ken & Ryu stop and turn to Vega.

Vega: We’re not in Japan right now, so right now I am Vega. When I’m in Japan, I’m Balrog and M. Bison is Vega and Balrog is M. Bison. You should know this by now. It’s just a misunderstanding. And so what if no one invited Balrog? No one likes him anyway. He can’t even kick.

E. Honda: So he’s not coming, so let’s eat!

Blanka: Awooooo!

The group files into the restaurant chattering to each other quietly. Inside Dhalsim is waiting to greet them in the bar area.

Dhalsim: Welcome to the Spinning Bird. It’s a pleasure to see you all this evening.

Guile: Dhalsim, shouldn’t you be working in an Indian restaurant?

Dhalsim: Am I not enough of a cultural stereotype as it is, sir?

Guile: Fair point.

Dhalsim: Now, may I take a coat for anyone?

M. Bison: Just me…

M. Bison adopts a dramatic pose, flicking the fastener on his cape, which billows open and drifts sideways onto the floor.

Dhalsim (picking up the cape and placing it on a hook): Ah, thank you sir. Now, if you’ll all please follow me to your table.

The group follows Dhalsim to a large circular table with a large ‘Lazy Susan’ – a raised, rotatable tray – in the centre. They all take their seats.

Dhalsim: Now, may I take your drinks orders?

Sagat: TIGER!

Dhalsim: Bottle or draft please sir?

Sagat: TIGER!

Dhalsim: Er… and for anyone else?

Sagat: TIGER!

Ryu: Could I…

Sagat: TIGER!

Ryu: Do you…

Sagat: TIGER!

Ryu: Never mind.

Dhalsim: Bottle of Tiger beer for everyone then, yes?

Dhalsim places a menu in front of each diner then Yoga Teleports to the bar for the drinks. The group talk amongst themselves for a few minutes. Dhalsim Yoga Teleports back to the table with nine bottles of Tiger beer and a bottle opener. He opens each bottle and places it in front of a diner until he gets to Sagat, when he has trouble opening the bottle.

Dhalsim: Hmmm… it seems this bottle has not yet attained spiritual alignment.

Sagat snatches the bottle from Dhalsim’s grasp and punches the cap off with his other hand, leaping from his seat with the force of the blow.

Sagat: TIGER UPPERCUT!

The beer froths over the top of the bottle and splashes onto his lap.

Sagat (with a sigh): Tiger knee…

Dhalsim serves the remaining drinks.

Dhalsim: Are you ready to order sirs? Madam?

Ryu: Um… yeah. We can’t really decide, so could you do us some sort of set meal for nine?

Vega: Set meal for eight. I’m having the Vega-n option.

Dhalsim: Fried bean curd sir?

Vega: PERFECT!

Dhalsim: Set meal for eight and fried bean curd for one. Anything else?

All diners in unison: No thanks.

Dhalsim: Very good.

Dhalsim Yoga Teleports back to the kitchen where he gathers ingredients from various cupboards and shelves without moving from the spot, thanks to his stretchy arms. Hanging from the ceiling are several large woks. Holding the ingredients on a large board, Dhalsim levitates cross-legged to the ceiling from where he tips different ingredients into each wok. He then floats back down to the floor and stands beneath the woks, bobbing back and forth slightly as if waiting for some sort of signal…

Deep voice from out of nowhere: Ready… FRY!

Dhalsim: YOGA BLAST!

Dhalsim leans back, and breaths a huge ball of fire from his mouth up into the base of the woks. The food sizzles and steams while he uses his stretchy arms to stir and add seasoning to each wok. Without leaving the kitchen, using his stretchy arms, he distributes plates around the table then places each dish onto the Lazy Susan.

Zangief: This looks great! Hey Guile, could you pass the noodles?

Guile: Yeah, sure…

Guile goes to turn the Lazy Susan to send the noodles around to Zangief, but it won’t budge.

Guile (kicking his feet out underneath the table in frustration): Agh… this thing’s stuck.

A shrill yelp is heard from beneath the table.

Chun Li (from beneath the table): SPINNING BIRD KICK!

The Lazy Susan, which is mounted on top of Chun Li’s legs, starts to spin rapidly, sending all the food flying everywhere. Everyone laughs when they realise what has happened, especially Zangief, who points up and down with both arms as he laughs. The diners salvage what they can and eat up. When they are finished…

Ryu: Time to pay the bill. How much of a tip shall we leave?

Ken: I’m not leaving a tip. I had to eat my noodles out of Zangief’s chest hair.

Everyone: Ken, you’re so cheap!

THE END

* * * * *

EPILOGUE

Balrog: HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER! Sorry I’m late guys, I… guys? GUYS?




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