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PSP3: what we know scares us

PSP3: what we know scares us

The PSP2 – NGP, whatever – is old news. Yes, it’s impressive to you peons now, stupidly sitting as you are in your stupid present-houses, stupidly waiting for the pathetic handheld to come out. But to me? Nah. See, I live in The Future, and I know what’s coming next. Some call it NNGP, some call it PSP3 – but I call it the end of humanity. Consider this your warning.

We enjoyed the PSP2 while it lasted, and you, the people of the past, do have something to look forward to. Two analogue sticks! But once the dust settled there, we weren’t satiated. We wanted more. We made demands of Sony, and Sony in their infinite stupidity listened to us. We should have known we were asking too much, but the masses are never capable of realising how greedy – how self destructive – their demands really are. We just didn’t think.

It seems so obvious now, but everyone was so blinded by the power of PSP3 that we didn’t question it. We just wanted Uncharted 17 in our hands, no matter the cost – if the machine used Otto Octavius’ sustained fusion reactor designs then so what? At least the battery would last more than three hours. Like I said – we were blinded by the possibilities, our judgement neutered by our insatiable appetite for three more graphics.

If Sony had just stuck with a standard lithium-ion battery we would have got through this okay. But they didn’t. 1800MAh wasn’t enough – they demanded that we, the future-gaming public, had the power of fifteen suns in our hands. But the miscalculation was massive, and the warning printed on the user manual was too small for most people to notice: “WARNING: continuous play lasting more than 45 minutes will cause supernova. Sony Computer Entertainment is not liable for any damage caused by player negligence, or civilisations ended through ignorance of this warning.” Even in the future, people can’t be expected to read blurb like that. PSP3’s launch day also went down in history as the day the world ended, just 23 minutes after it started. Sony had ‘overestimated’ the battery life of the console. We didn’t stand a chance.

So please, heed my warnings: Sony cannot be allowed to create the PSP3. It will be the end of all you know and the destruction of all those you love. Humanity needs to realise that it cannot play God with technology, or technology will become our God. It is too late for me and my world, but if you listen to me – if you stop Sony from making the biggest mistake in the history of our civilisation – you can stop this from ever happening.

Oh, Killzone 12 is really good by the way. Future-Play gave it 98% and called it “the best future-FPS since Klagnor’s Wifflesnerj, based on the reality future-TV show of the same name”.

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