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Let’s Cast… A Portal Movie

Making a movie based or inspired by Portal would be a bad idea. A very bad idea. But pretending to cast such a (bad idea for a) movie could be fun. We’ll know for sure in a moment. Thankfully there aren’t many characters to worry about so that makes things a little less painful.

PS. Hollywood, please pay absolutely no attention to the following

GLaDOS played by Helen Mirren – A complicated role such as this requires some serious acting chops. You need to sound reassuring and menacing at the same time and have the capacity to lose your wig occasionally too. An actress of the stature of Helen Mirren would seem to fit the bill

Chell played by Rosario Dawson – We originally had Ellen Page in mind for this role, but decided that Chell needed someone who would seem a little more phsyically capable (Page is apparently 5’1″). At 5’7″ Dawson seems more likely to survive the trials of Aperture Science.

Sentry Gun played by Joe Pesci – Hollywood has a tendency to change the nature of a character for no apparent reason. One of the great things about the sentry guns in Portal was there innocense, but Pesci’s seething anger would probably be deemed superior by producers.

Morality Core played by Patrick Stewart – The first of the cores to be incinerated allowing GLaDOS to flood the facility with neuro-toxin. Stewart’s fine voice would probably make that seem quite pleasant.

Curiosity Core played by Stephen Fry – He loves a bit of knowledge and we could just imagine him being amazed by every little thing. Having said that, we would put Fry in everything.

Knowedge Core played by Eddie Izzard – “But surely Fry should be the Knowledge Core” we don’t hear you cry. Well perhaps, but this core is actually a bit mad. Sounds more like an Izzard job to us.

Emotion Core played by Jack Nicholson – Is there a better actor on the planet for playing ‘the angry guy’? We don’t think so. For this irate core we need Nicholson to give us a growl.




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