Home » FEATURES » Heavy Rain film deal close to completion: we discuss potential plot-lines

Heavy Rain film deal close to completion: we discuss potential plot-lines

heavy rain

If reports from Deadline are accurate, we could be seeing a Heavy Rain movie adaptation sooner rather than later. The site reports that the rights to the title are close to being picked up by Unique Features – headed by ex-New Line top bods Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne – with the two putting up their own money to grab the rights.

But that’s just dispassionate reportage of apparent fact. What we want to see is blind speculation as to what the Heavy Rain movie could, should or would feature. GO:

The film, clocking in at 93 minutes, features 64 minutes of Ethan Mars shaving, urinating, trying to go downstairs without being dressed and failing, procrastinating, smashing his wife’s china and drinking orange juice. The remaining running time (minus opening and closing credits) is a harrowing scene of Mars shouting “JAAAAASOOOOON!” repeatedly while clowns stand around looking creepy.

Gratuitous nudity of lady parts, as well as man-bottoms. At one point in the film, the camera will “glitch” on a corner and you’ll be able to see a complete, bare lady for 30 seconds or more. This will be hailed as the most daring film-making in decades.

All of the characters will walk into walls and generally attempt to ‘drive’ themselves like tanks. Characters and props will also be hit and knocked over by floating symbols and words looping around and crashing into them.

The grand reveal of the Origami Killer is made. The audience is shocked to find it is none other than Brian Blessed who has committed all of these vile murders – in full Prince Vultan gear, no less.

At the beginning of every scene the main character will tell the audience exactly how they feel, what they’re thinking and what the intend to do in the upcoming few minutes. This will anger us, as we don’t like it when actors simply tell us how they feel. That makes us feel angry.

One Oscar, please.

Similar posts

  • Sean

    Why make a movie adaption of a game that is already so much like a film.

  • Adam

    Its an awesome idea, good reason to bring it to the big screen is to show the majority of people just what an innovative and original story heavy rain has to offer, PS3 has a large audience but FILM is definately where its at.

    I love the way *sarcasm* this Ian Drainsfield dribbels on mocking the games mechanics and ideas, theres a reason this game got 9/10 most places so i’d advise anyone else to consider this article null. I think the project will be executed well, this guy is simply trying to make out that a complete port of a game including movement mechanics etc is going to be carried out, so long as the story is rolled out well i and the majority will probably sit there pie eyed 🙂

  • Ian Dransfield

    Who’s “Ian Drainsfield”?

  • Adam

    Dransfield then… its obvious who i was referring to….