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Exclusive Call Of Duty Information Revealed

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The rumour mill has gone into overdrive about Treyarch’s next Call Of Duty game. It’s being shown later today, but before you even get to see it we can exclusively reveal some hints and rumours about the game’s setting that we’ve picked up through our own special means. It should be pointed out that we will not say where any of this information came from, as it could have serious repercussions on the folks who told us. Jobs are on the line here, kids. Warning: Potential spoilers ahead.

  1. The new Call Of Duty will be set during peace-time. One mission will involve the player character and a group of his Russian friends travelling to an airport. Once there, they will slowly, methodically stroll around the premises, sit down, have a coffee and buy a copy of Play magazine before catching their plane. Once in their destination they will have the holiday of a lifetime, and all come back feeling refreshed and better off for it.
  2. Inconvenienced for the last time by nature, America launches a full-scale attack on Iceland “for the sake of freedom for the Icelander-o people from the tyranny of explosive mountains”, as the in-game president will surely put it. The final scene sees players forced to drop a nuke in the mouth of Eyjafjallajokull, causing a chain reaction which ultimately brings about the destruction of the entire world.
  3. America loses.
  4. Every country in the world invades France, just because it’s what everyone’s wanted to do for so long. The sections where you play as a 15-year-old member of the Djibouti National Army are promised to be particularly bombastic and exceptionally “gritty”.
  5. In classic Call Of Duty tradition, the new game will flit between the viewpoints of a few different soldiers in the same conflict. This time around players will take control of an Israeli solider beating Palestinians and invading the Gaza Strip, a child from the West Bank throwing rocks at tanks, another Israeli troop shooting the same kid with the same tank and a disenfranchised, hopeless and forgotten member of the West Bank community who turns extremism as a last-ditch reaction to a desperate situation. Then some coffins will start swirling before turning into stars and flying off into the sun, or something, and the US flag will appear in the background.
  6. The new COD will involve a civil war in the UK, where Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland band together to wage bloody vengeance on England. The Americans are deployed to help, but don’t actually understand who to fight, as the notion of the UK being made up of different nations confuses them deeply.
  7. The game will involve an economic blockade at the centre of its thrilling storyline, with China refusing to export any more cheap clothing. The response from the world community is swift, decisive and bloody. The game will be heralded for centuries to come as a parable of no compare.
  8. The new COD will return to the Second World War, but this time will involve a positive re-telling of Hitler’s involvement. Players will also take control of SS troops and members of the Gestapo in mini-games, which will involve players forcefully displacing other human beings based on their race, religion, nationality, physical well-being, age, sex or any number of other variables – it’s certainly going to be a hard list to manage!
  9. The next Call Of Duty game will see players taking control of a sapper in the First World War. It will last approximately as long as it takes to climb over the wall of a trench and walk slowly straight into enemy machine gun fire. The game will be lapped up by trophy whores as an easy way to score platinums.

We hope none of these ruin the surprises for you, and we’re looking forward to seeing how many of our sources fed us the correct information.




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  • Brad

    Lol “6.The new COD will involve a civil war in the UK, where Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland band together to wage bloody vengeance on England. The Americans are deployed to help, but don’t actually understand who to fight, as the notion of the UK being made up of different nations confuses them deeply” what a awsome insult to Americans.