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The REAL Console War

The REAL Console War

I’ve always wondered what would happen if the next-gen console war was literally a war. Like Microsoft actually, genuinely declared war on Sony and made all the guns and planes and tanks and stuff and there would be real fighting and death and so on. Sony would have to defend itself, of course, and, like its bitter rival, would have to switch from making games consoles to guns. Wouldn’t it be a lovely war!

Microsoft is first to the battlefield but encounters all kinds of problems with its rushed military hardware. Like stealth planes that you’d be able to hear miles off and, dare we say it, tanks that work fine for a bit but then break down unexpectedly. They’d get replaced, of course, but only after lengthy radio conversations with Microsoft HQ and only then if the tanks were still under warranty. Microsoft propaganda insists that the tanks work fine… as long as they’re not driven on their sides. Like it says in the manual.

Meanwhile in Sony’s camp, and buoyed by its success in the last console war (1999-2004), its military hardware takes too long to develop and is just too damn expensive to produce. This gives Microsoft a huge numerical advantage by the time Sony’s even ready to start fighting back.

Third-party manufacturers rush to the aid of both sides hoping to make a mountain of money out of the conflict. However, superior versions of the same hardware produced for Microsoft would help swing this early battle towards the US giant.

Sony’s tries to counter Microsoft’s superiority in numbers by developing a supposedly cutting-edge control technology – designed to make controlling things such as fighter jets (and dragons) more accurate – but this fails miserably and huge losses are the result.

Microsoft’s intelligence doesn’t have to work very hard to discover what Sony’s battle plans are. Top secret documents are leaked on a civilian website, and prototype hardware is available to buy from some Filipino market at a knock-down price. Heads roll at Sony HQ when someone snaps codebooks on their mobile phone and posts the pics on N4W. Communication is so bad that Sony High Command even goes so far as issuing its orders via press release.

Microsoft secretly develops a devastating weapon called The Red Ring Of Death – a kind of 50s sci-fi laser that will destroy all humans! And Sony’s plans for world domination! But then this weapon backfires and causes Microsoft around $3 Billion in damages. It’s a hearts and minds disaster.

Sony suffers massive loses when many of its old allies start fighting for the other side – some of it most trusted allies switch sides permanently. Many turn their backs on an old ally for the promise of filthy war gold. But all’s fair in love and war, right? Sony counters this by training its own specialist units but these are late to the battle, meaning that Microsoft chalks this battle up as a win.

In spite of this, the loyalty of Sony’s troops goes beyond what would be considered reasonable service and they manage to cling on in the war with the promise of new, slim, more advanced hardware about to enter the battle. One can only wonder where this mad game will go next.

I can’t help but think that if a real war were run like this then no one win. Both sides have sustained massive losses since the war started and neither seems to be coming out on top. Maybe it’s too early in the conflict to tell or maybe there’s already a winner… it’s that guy over there, the conscientious objector: Nintendo.




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  • Talon-000-333

    Mabye Sony should build their weapons on LittleBigPlanet it will save time and money.