Welcome back to Liberty City. Welcome back in time too, to 1998 to be precise. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Welcome to Grand Theft Auto on PSP. Now if that’s not worth breaking out the Cristal for we don’t know what is – not your older sibling’s Grand Theft Auto either, you know, the top down, 2D one (the kind the world was enjoying back in 1998) but one that harks back only as far as GTA III – the last time the streets of Liberty City threatened to collapse under the attrition of one man’s quest to rise to the top. This time around that man is Toni Cipriani.

You’ve got to feel sorry for Toni. He returns from exile after killing a made man to find Liberty City overrun by rival mob families, Triads and worse; he also has to work for an absolute mook called Vincenzo Chili. It gets even more desperate. Even his beloved Ma is convinced that Toni is a worthless, good-for-nothing son. What better character to star in a handheld version of GTA then, than one totally at rock bottom? Each bite-sized mission is a potential step up the criminal ladder, heralding the discovery of a new ally (no matter how temporary), a new weapon or vehicle, a new area of the city or just providing another moment of laughter from the cuttingly witty radio stations or mission segues.

It’s not long before Toni outgrows Vincenzo, moving up to right-hand-man of none other than Don Salvatore Leone, and it’s under the patronage of Sal, as you’re soon encouraged to call him, that Toni starts to fulfill his potential. But that’s enough of the plot. This isn’t story time. There’s no sitting comfortably. Especially when your own mother is convinced that you’re a disgrace to the Cipriani family name. With recent news stories fresh in our minds claiming children brought up by their mothers develop mentally and socially at a quicker rate than those brought up without them, we undertook to get Ma sweet. It never rains, but it pours...

Ma is under the misconception that a family friend is a paragon of manly virtue – Toni a shadow of a man in comparison. Toni knows differently; Ma’s idol is a sexual deviant, and Ma will know differently soon, thanks to an SLR camera and a telescopic lens. A surveillance mission. It’s not all capping gangsters you know. Get a car, get a van, an SUV, a lorry or a bike, just stick close to the pervert’s vehicle, but not too close. Trail him to the local park, where a duo of prostitutes hop out the back, and this supposedly model citizen dons a nappy and baby’s hat. You know for shits and giggles. So much for being a paragon of virtue. Clickety-clickety. A few choice Polaroids later and Ma couldn’t help but be repulsed and welcome Toni back to the fold, right? Yeah right. What’s Toni’s obsession with following men around parks? Why’s he a good-for-nothing? Poor Toni.

And it gets worse. Ma is so disillusioned with her offspring that Toni’s efforts to win her affections culminate in her licensing a hit on her son. That’s cold. Mental note: remember next Mother’s Day. But there’s no time to dwell on the collapse of motherson relations because several saloon-fuls of hitmen are zoning in on Toni’s position. There’s a semi-automatic rifle sitting at the top of the steps leading down to street level and it’s now we realise that Ma’s house is incredibly sound from a tactical point of view.

A bold hitman makes to assault the steps leading to the front door. A quick squeeze of the right trigger and Toni’s got his rifle locked on. A depression of O later and Toni’s one hitman down. Which leaves another three hitmen – two from each car – to contend with. These are easily dispatched from the driveway, which fronts on to a particularly busy crossroads, soon to become all the more hectic when a further salvo of cars comes tearing round several corners. And we’re low on ammo. And they’re packing heat.

But this is Grand Theft Auto and Ma’s jet-black Sentinel is still parked in the driveway. Jumping behind the wheel, the thought of fleeing never crossed our minds. Instead we make a beeline for the first assassin, the radio pre-tuned to the sounds of opera, a pompous warble blasting forth, perfectly accentuating the role-play of one pissed off Italian American about to mince a few hired killers. Crunch. He’s down… reverse, forward, reverse, forward... and out. As we spin around 100 yards down the road we’re broadsided by some rather cheesed-off colleagues of hitman number one. The lick of flames from under the bonnet signals things aren’t too healthy with our wheels and we’re hammering the exit button in an agitated state. We escape with mere seconds to spare – sent skittling from the blast, which takes out the remaining hitmen, not to mention several passing vehicles. The place looks like a bomb’s hit it and we’re running, desperately low on energy, in the direction of the safe house, where health and a save point lie. It’s another mission complete. Another exhilarating scenario. And it’s over in a matter of five or so minutes. That’s the very definition of short and sweet. Or small, but perfectly formed. And dangerous.

The move from PS2 to PSP has done nothing to dampen the sensation that any mission in one volatile moment could degenerate into a bacchanal of bullets, blasted out cars, dead passers-by, high speed pursuits and a frantic escape from cops. Sure, some of San Andreas’ most celebrated elements – the aircraft, the character customization and physical development have had to be jettisoned, but anything lost in scope is made up for by the punchiness of rapid-fire missions. It’s not a technical constraint so much as a consideration of the limitations of portable play. That’s not to say that GO>PLAY is in any way qualified to pronounce whether it would be possible for Rockstar to incorporate airplanes into a PSP GTA, but from the obvious technical accomplishment witnessed here, it’s not too far-fetched a suggestion.

So z-splines, mip-mapping and floating point calculations. Phwoar. That really makes us want to zuffle. Or not. Usually, the raw technical elements of a videogame are like pearls cast before us GO>PLAY swines. However there are two key issues that even we are acutely aware of – namely draw distance, aka pop-up and frame rate. Two key conceits that, if they were spanners, could do some serious damage in a game’s works. Isn’t that a great analogy? Anyway, in reverse order: frame rate – slick. The frighteningly efficient combo that is Rockstar North and Rockstar Leeds has created a PSP engine that barely flinches when that volatile moment finally degenerates into a bacchanal of bullets. There’s understandably a slight dip, and we’re talking a dip from slick to perfectly competent, when absolute bedlam ensues – and we’re talking multiple vehicle pile-ups and numerous conflagrations here. So: pop-up. Yes, there is some, and no, it’s not a big deal. It’s slightly more pronounced in the game’s second area, Staunton Island, with its densely-packed tower blocks, but it far from impinges on enjoyment – in most areas it’s barely noticeable. Remember, even San Andreas suffered a little with pop-up, and if that’s the trade off for GTA’s incredible sprawling metropolis, so be it. Liberty City Stories is a monumental technical achievement. It’s GTA as you know and love it, on a handheld. No concessions.

And that means you’ll be talking Italian like an extra in a Dolmio advert, embracing the destiny of Toni Cipriani and exploring Liberty City all over again. Sure, you might remember Liberty City from GTA III. But it never looked this good – Liberty City Stories is actually graphically superior to GTA III – superior draw distance (see, we told you pop-up is a non-issue) and reflections now evident on certain surfaces. It’s pretty. Even the ugly people are pretty. There are motorbikes too, no pushbikes, but a great array of mean machines – scramblers, sports bikes and Harley style hogs – all of which just demand to be driven into cordoned-off pedestrian areas (remember, bikes reach places cars can only dream of) – perfect for running down pesky Triad gangs, radio blaring. GO>PLAY finds its wild well and truly up when rolling to opera. It’s the Italian blood. But not all your time is spent bitch-slapping rivals. Don’t forget the downtime. A mantra for life – have a little fun everyday. Just cruise and listen to the radio.

And laugh so hard you cause a pile up. Whether it’s at the ludicrous advertorials for products such as Rails – the breakfast food you snort, or news pieces about the concerns of the Citizens United Negating Technology for Life and People’s Safety. We’d use its acronym, but we’d get complaints from parents and MPs. Cut-scenes, too, invoke laughter at regular intervals, whether it’s Sal fretting about taking over the city, Sal’s girlfriend Maria attempting to seduce Toni and taking him on a crime spree, or JD O’Toole (of San Andreas fame) alluding (and flagrantly espousing) sexually deviant acts – “I feel like the day the FBI searched my hard drive”.

Toni’s quest takes him from Portland to Shoreside Vale via Staunton Island and mission objectives go from the sublime to the ridiculous – Toni becoming embroiled in an election war and further gang disputes. And it’s probably about time we mentioned loading times. Often, potential stumbling points such as loading times are brought up late in a review almost as an apology: "Sadly, intrusive loading times spoil the party." We’re bringing them up here to underline Liberty City Stories’ superiority – they’re incredibly fast. Be it the transition from menu screen to city for the first time, district to district, interior to exterior, location to cut-scene, we don’t recall ever having to wait for more than 20 seconds. Which, when we’re used to waiting in the region of forty-odd for a racing game to load up a mere circuit, is frankly astonishing.

As Toni graduates from Portland to Staunton Island and Shoreside Vale, the chaos that early missions promise comes to fruition – the Tanks come out to play and the weapons become more and more exotic – katanas, rocket launchers, flame throwers – the works. And while it’s not possible to imbue Tony with a six-pack, teach him boxing or kung-fu, provide him with an improbable haircut, or improve his rather lacking fitness, it is possible to jazz up his threads, with new outfits rewarded after key missions – there’s the Leone suit, a chauffeurs outfit, and an outfit for the vigilante group Avenging Angels. OK, so even if you happen to be running for your life, Toni will always get out of breath after half a block, but at least you have the option of wearing crisp, Italian linen as he gasps for air with a car of Ma’s hitmen bearing down on his six.

There’s no come-down from San Andreas to Liberty City Stories despite such omissions – there are always choices and new things to try. Not least multiplayer. If this magazine could have one of those sound files that you find in novelty birthday cards (the kind where a Cliff Richard impersonator croons at you), it would go here, with a fanfare so powerful it would ripple your cheeks. It’s GTA through and through, but fresh at the same time, and with five other players it manages to amplify the enjoyment that one might glean from the main game. Game modes don’t reinvent the wheel, but transfer tried-and- tested multiplayer staples to the GTA universe. The results are far better than we imagined (for the full skinny, see boxout). Which is funnily enough the perfect way to sum up Liberty City Stories. Better than we imagined. And we have very healthy imaginations. We imagined all the incredible moments of the GTA series squeezed onto PSP and here it is more technically accomplished than we thought possible. If you’re in need of a heady rush of entertainment, forget Cialis Softabs, this is guaranteed to give you a hard Don.