Which side of the fence are you on? Are you one of those ridiculous monkey loving nutjobs that, given even the slightest whiff of a chance, will rant on about how great monkeys are? Perhaps you think they’re cute. If so you’re wrong. Perhaps you can see so much of the human gene code coming through in their personalities. Wrong again. Maybe you even think that their way of life has much to teach those of us higher in the evolutionary chain. Once again, you seem to find yourself in Errorsville with no way home. No, monkeys are, frankly, a bit crap. It’s a compelling point easily proven by Sony’s most recent trip to the handheld jungle, Ape Escape P.

Rather than follow up on the success and sheer brilliance of Ape Academy, Ape Escape P has gone retro, and not in a good way. We’re back to the original format of netting fat-faced monkey after fat-faced monkey with a selection of tools, gizmos and gadgets proffered by a mad scientist. Granted there’s a degree of brain usage required in order to catch said simians, but when the monkeys are in such great numbers the act of trapping them becomes only slightly more pleasurable than removing your kneecap with a potato peeler. It’s not merely the number of animals that irritates, but a control system seemingly built in competition with the rest of the game. Ape Escape P’s relentless insistence that each zone must be attempted at least five times before you manage to make that nauseatingly easy looking jump dispenses the kind of frustration, aggression and pure hatred that has no place in a videogame. People die for much less than this. And if that weren’t bad enough you have the added bonus of actually catching the apes. Quite exactly why it’s not possible to simple eviscerate the little assholes with your handy lasersword is never made quite clear, but we imagine the game would be a darn sight more cathartic if you could.

Your PSP is a valuable piece of kit: playing Ape Escape P will, eventually, lead to the launch of your handheld through the nearest window, even if you’re the kind of animal lover that thinks it might be fun to catch a few monkeys on the number 23 to work. We don’t dislike monkeys that much, but Ape Escape P does nothing to help their cause – whatever that might be.

Tom Leclerc