Six things we’d do differently with… God Of War III

Yes, it’s another new feature that, if it doesn’t fail miserably, will become regular on Play-Mag.co.uk. In this one, we take a recently released game and list six (don’t ask us why six and not five) things we would have done differently. Some will be serious points, others will just be jokes. We’ll leave it up to you to get completely the wrong end of the stick and hate us for it.

1.
Make the flesh of enemies offer some resistance
Look, we know that Kratos’ blades are very sharp an’ all, but isn’t it weird that cutting through enemies feels and sounds exactly the same as cutting through air? We want a nice crunching sound at the point of impact, and for the blade to be slowed as it buts through. That way, it’d feel more visceral.

2.
Get rid of QTEs altogether
Quick Time Events are just rubbish. If we wanted to play Simon Says… we’d play Simon Says… and if we want to watch an awesome, epic scene of spectacular violence then we just want to watch it. We don’t watch to be forced to watch the edges of the screen in anticipation of the next button prompt. We need to take a stand against this.

3.
Give Kratos a luscious head of hair
Everyone knows that all the mightiest warriors ever have boasted long, flowing hair – Conan, Ric Flair, Martin Demichelis, Fabio – so it’s obvious the only reason Kratos hasn’t is that Sony Santa Monica couldn’t be bothered with all the extra polygon and physics and animation it would entail. Lazy buggers.

4.
Include gay sex mini-games
Kratos is a Spartan warriors and everyone ‘knows’ that Spartan warriors had same-sex relationships with each other to enhance their bond on the battlefield. In fact, sex outside of marriage was deeply forbidden in Ancient Greece, so it’s just plain unrealistic that Kratos keeps getting it on with big-boobed ladies. A man of honour simply wouldn’t do such things.

5.
Give Kratos some guns
Hack, slash, hack, slash, stab, rip, hack, slash, slice, hack, slash… goes on a bit, doesn’t it? Don’t you just the urge to whip out a pair of pistols and start blasting some mythical beasts in the face sometimes? Yeah you do… don’t lie. Some grenades wouldn’t go amiss either.

6.
Just calm it down a touch
Well, it gets bit much, doesn’t it?