PlayStation Games That Haven’t Aged Well
At least ones that aren’t called Jumping Flash
You’ve probably already read the PlayStation Remakes blog. If you haven’t, you should click on that link I made and read it now, because I’m new to this whole blogging thing and it took me a while to find out how to make links and it wasn’t as easy as I thought and I’m starting to doubt myself already and I’m not even sure if I’ve done it properly and what if I’ve done it wrong oh god I have done it wrong haven’t I everyone is going to hate me and think I’m an idiot and I’ve only been here two days this is terrible why is this sentence really long.
Anyway. What? Oh right yes, PlayStation games that haven’t aged well. Onwards!
It was amazing back in 1974 when it was released (I’m guessing here) because everything on PlayStation was new and exciting. Driving in games was either 1) drive around this circle overtaking other cars or 2) how you get from mission to mission in Grand Theft Auto. Character-based karting games have been ignored for everyone’s sake. But Driver? Oh man, Driver. You could screech around corners, drive through real cities, try to run people over and drive through cardboard boxes! And yet… go back to Driver today and it seems disappointing. Really disappointing. It’s not that the handling is primitive, the pop-up is terrible or the city feels strangely flat. I think it’s that you can’t run people over. These days, it should be a standard feature. Even in games that don’t feature any driving.
Silent Hill 2
“I played it a few days ago and it’s really good,” said Chris. “Yeah but the FMV bits are terrible,” I countered, with an explosive statement packed with such wit, insight and infallible logic. Sensing he was reeling, I then followed up with “it’s the worst FMV you’ll ever see in a game.” POW. I could have gone on to mention how the voice-acting kills the atmosphere along with the uncanny valley aspect of the people-disguised-as-mannequins stinking up the cutscenes but there was no need. Chris doesn’t really know me well enough to start arguing back and throw bits of office stationery to prove a point, so I’ll take his ensuing silence as agreement.
No, come on. Be fair. It hasn’t aged well at all. Hang on, don’t shout at me in the big What’s Your Opinion just yet, scroll back up. Behave yourself. There are two more games to further solidify my position as someone to shout at but Tekken really has not aged well at all. Blocky characters that look like a child has assembled them for a school project using cereal boxes and potato prints, cheesy jingles that would embarrass a Christmas ad and primitive gameplay where anything more than a 3-hit combo seemed like fearsome voodoo magic. Oddly, Tekken 2 is fine and is perfectly playable in the big, scary world of 2010. There’s no logical explanation as to why this is. Feel free to provide one though.
It’s included because now we’re used to the likes of Devil May Cry 4, no-one should hark back to the days of slowly rotating like a sinking oil tanker. Nothing conveys a sense of urgency like holding down left on the D-pad and watching your character gently rotate in the direction of danger. You could always use the quick turn button, that pretends to fix the problem but really doesn’t. All you do is immediately spin 180 degrees, meaning you’ll be attacked from your other exposed side instead and you’ll have even further to slowly rotate if you had already started doing that when you gave up and hit the quick-turn button. Sigh. The series should come back though, with controls that have you running in the direction you push on the analogue stick. Maybe you could play as a woman. A woman who attacks with her hair, maybe. It could have massive screen-filling bosses. They could call it Bayonetta or something like that. Yeah. That would be pretty cool.
You’ll see that infamous opening cutscene, maybe even doing a Google search to see what that Jill Valentine actress is up to these days (please let us know if you find out, it was clearly going to take more than five minutes of my time and I wasted that trying to figure out how to make links work). You’ll probably get far enough to hear the notorious Jill sandwich and master of unlocking lines. You might even push yourself as far the bit where you realise you’re not in the mansion anymore, you haven’t been for the past hour and what the hell is this underground lab business about. But you won’t stick it to the end. It’s too clumsy, too rough around the edges and too slow to really grab attention…
Tell me why I’m wrong though. I’ll check back with the comments until I see one that gives a perfectly valid and logical reason as to why any of those games have aged well, then I’ll pretend I was too busy to read the comments. Or something. Let’s see how it goes.