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THQ: How To Save The Business

THQ: How To Save The Business

THQ is still in trouble, apparently, with the company threatened with being delisted from Nasdaq should it fail to raise its share value above the $1 mark in the next 180 days or so.

I am here to make a few suggestions that will definitely save THQ from oblivion. Listen up, THQ people.

I am no business guru, and I don’t have insider knowledge of the company. Or any company. I barely even have knowledge of the company I work for, let alone the company I keep. But I still have some suggestions for THQ, and Danny Bilson and co. are free to take them and use them as they see fit.

Just so long as I get my $1 million salary for saving the business.

While the publisher has recently stated it is moving out of the licensed and kids markets, this suggestion does ride on the company still having hold of a few properties. Say, Spongebob Squarepants and some other nonsense that both children and idiots like.

Take that much-loved kids property, shit out an iOS/Android game in a couple of weeks, throw it to the market at 69p with a bit of advertising behind it in the right places (on Nickelodeon, or whatever it is kids watch these days between bouts of knife crime) and you will hoover up the profits. Better yet, go freemium and charge people 10p each to move beyond the title screen – guaranteed billions (maybe).

In all seriousness though, if any licences remain it could well be cheap and easy to make a half-decent iOS game, at least just to see if it can get some footing and make some cashola. It’s not like that place is heavily policed, so just steal someone else’s idea and pass it off as your own, like everyone else does there.

SUGGESTION TWO: More online passes. An online pass for the online pass. Step 1, online pass. Step 2, online pass for online pass. Step 3, ???. Step 4, profit!

If all of that fails, isn’t possible or something else gets in the way there’s the nuclear option: WWE’s 12 Angry Men. An idea so obvious we came up with it in a matter of minutes, and so simple it could be made into a game (pending licensing agreements) in a matter of weeks.

The premise is thus: take the WWE license and put it into a game akin to Angry Birds. Taking the licence to classic movie 12 Angry Men is where it gets really interesting though: the central idea of the game will be to launch one of 12 WWE superstars through the air at the 12 men (and women, as we don’t live in the past anymore) of the jury. The number knocked down by the airborne musclehead indicates the jury’s decision – all 12 and it’s unanimous, any less and it’s a split decision, possibly resulting in a retrial.

It’s the best idea you’ve ever heard, we know. Thank us later, THQ execs.




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  • ant

    Loving the underpants gnomes reference classic. How many people will miss that little piece of genius. LMFAO… THWART just need to make games that are not complete arse, like their recent efforts.

  • ant

    South park reference lol…