Uncharted 3: five places it definitely will be set* (*it won’t)
We can exclusively reveal to the world at large the name and five potential settings for the upcoming Uncharted 3, thanks to a super-secret super-source. WARNING: THIS POST IS A LIE AND/OR A JOKE. IT IS NOT NEWS. IT IS MEANT TO BE TAKEN AS A LIGHT-HEARTED WASTE OF FIVE MINUTES, NOT SERIOUSLY.
Seeing as Uncharted 3 is rumoured to be getting a reveal at the VGAs, we thought we’d splurge the hard facts we have about the game for you*. Rather than tell you what the game definitely, absolutely is going to be**, we’re going to give you five different suggestions – one of which is true, the rest of which are not***. Without further ado, here is a list we didn’t entirely make up based on flimsy premises or half-baked puns****:
Uncharted 3: Among Geordies
Nate Drake finds himself stranded in an inhospitable land, far from civilisation and without a friendly face to turn to. Hostile natives at every turn and without a treasure really worth writing home about (apart from a giant rusty angel thing), Drake will have to battle for his survival both physically and mentally. Nathan Drake has to take on the North East of England.
Uncharted 3: Uncharted In Space
No line of sequels would be complete without an iteration going into space. There’s no clever, witty hilarity here – Nate just goes into space and takes part in witty banter. In space. NOTE: There are quite possibly Nazis in space.
Uncharted 3: Drake’s Fortune 500
Drake tires of the treasure hunting business, offering as it does little-to-no financial stability. While the thrill of the big find is always lingering in the back of his mind, what Nate really wants is to know where his next pay cheque is coming from. As such, he embarks on his biggest adventure yet: business school. See! Drake attending lectures. Watch! as he stresses over upcoming exams. Laugh! when he fails and has to work in Wal-Mart for the rest of his life.
Uncharted 3: The Dark Drake
We all know Uncharted is too ‘funny’ and ‘light-hearted’. We all know it’s grittiness and darkness that sells. So it’s obvious that the third game in the series will be a gritty, dark reboot of the franchise. We’ll see a washed-up, alcoholic, wife-beating Nate have to try and piece his life back together from the broken remains he has a tenuous grasp on – all based in Toxteth, Liverpool.
Uncharted 3: Drake’s Flaked Hake Bake
Naughty Dog, in going for a wider market, has decided to make Uncharted into a spin-off of the Cooking Mama series. Uncharted 3 will, therefore, see Nate Drake taking on his biggest challenge: baking hake for a group of friends, and trying to get it perfectly flakey. Not too dry.
That should keep you suitably enthralled and curious, we think.
*Not facts, lies.
**Not going to be.
***None are true.
****We absolutely did make them up based on those two factors.