Top Nine Awful PS3 Games
Most people will be looking back on what is now the last generation with a warm smile, fondly remembering hours of gaming and some great titles. Never forget, though, that along with all the good stuff we saw a hell of a lot of crap. Here is the worst of the worst…
We’ve played a lot of bilge in our time, but Unearthed takes the prize for being the single most terrible game we’ve had the joy of experiencing. The first game from Saudi studio Semaphore, Unearthed is a poor pastiche of Uncharted with nothing of what makes that game great. Literally everything in Unearthed is awful: animations, hit detection, sound effects, handling, voice acting, graphics… EVERYTHING. It’s only an hour long, but it will feel like the longest hour of your life. Please believe us when we say, even if you are tempted, it’s just not worth it. Stay away if you value your sanity.
Everyone knows that escort quests are, unequivocally, the worst part of any game that features them. So, how about a game where ALL OF IT is an escort quest? Sound fun? No? Hmmm. Amy is boring, broken, and most criminally for a horror game, not scary in the slightest. A few criticisms, like the utterly absurd checkpointing system forcing you to replay hours of gameplay, have been patched, but there’s no fix for being terrible. To top off this cavalcade of shit, the game features unskippable cutscenes, a mortal sin that should be rewarded with scorn and shame.
Oh, Mickey Rourke. You are better than this, this utterly insipid pile of human waste somehow given interactive form. Rogue Warrior was scrapped and restarted late in development, which left us with one of the most staggeringly bad games ever. Rogue Warrior is front-to-back rubbish, most memorable for the hilariously obscene dialogue with Rourke managing to offend just about every race and minority as well as saying fuck around five times a minute. Still, all the potty language in the world can’t cover for a game that is torture to play.
We feel really, really sorry for anyone who received this game as a gift, hoping instead for Telltale’s excellent and unrelated The Walking Dead game. This is a very different animal, a cheap, ugly tie-in that exemplifies the worst of licensed games. Everything about Survival Instinct screams of a rushed development, from the PS2-level graphics to the terrible, bored voice acting from Norman Reedus and Michael Rooker. A great show deserves a great game, and this is not that. It’s only about five hours long, but that’s still five hours that you will never get back.
ALIENS: COLONIAL MARINES
We really wanted this one to be good. There were a bunch of great Aliens FPS games back in the day, and we so wanted a new one, but it wasn’t to be. Colonial Marines had a very troubled development, lasting years as it was shipped around various teams, unfinished and in bits and pieces. By all accounts, Gearbox wasn’t happy with the final product that other studios delivered to them, but that doesn’t absolve them of blame. Colonial Marines feels like a game from 15 years ago, and a bad one at that.
Whether or not you once enjoyed Family Guy is irrelevant – the series has lasted far longer than it should have, a pale imitation of the irreverent, original comedy of its first few seasons. Unfortunately, this same sense of tiredness carries over to Back To The Multiverse, a game that is as fun as it is funny, which is to say, not at all. Humour that was once risqué and satirical has been replaced by broad stereotyping that will be offensive to many – oh, a world ruled by evil paraplegic people / amish people/ gay people!… etc, etc. Playing up to stereotypes without exploring them in a clever way is just dull, and the game itself is rubbish too.
Another example of rubbish licensed games, Lost isn’t the worst game on this list, but it’s a perfect example of a game that is boring, janky and average, a complete waste of an opportunity to make a good adaption of a beloved franchise. Opinions on the show aside, there was potential to make a good Lost game: a prequel perhaps, or an alternate take with entirely different characters. In trying to tie the game into the show’s plot, Ubisoft essentially neuters itself in creating anything with an impactful storyline. What little gameplay exists is dull, and the voice acting is some of the worst we’ve heard. Don’t find this one.
It’s been largely downhill for Sonic since the Mega Drive glory days, but Sonic 2006 marks his absolute lowest point. Where do we start? This is one of the buggiest games we’ve ever played, utterly ruined top to bottom with glitches. The loading times are absurd, often waiting 30 seconds before delivering a single line of dialogue and then loading AGAIN for another half minute. The story is abysmal, including the infamous “bestiality” scene featuring Sonic kissing a human princess. We don’t know if Sonic Team will ever realize we hate every single pointless ancillary character, but Silver the Hedgehog is even worse than Shadow. Yep. Playing this game is like staring into the gaping arsehole of Satan.
Factor 5, rest its soul, made some great games back in the day, with its Star Wars Rogue Squadron games on N64 and Gamecube standing out. Coming off a string of great arcade flight sims, it’s understandable that people were excited for Lair, a PS3 launch title which has you riding around on the back of a bloody great dragon. Unfortunately, someone decided that Lair should revolve around the then-new Sixaxis controller, tilting the pad to fly in different directions. Putting it lightly, it didn’t fucking work. Purchasing a game and then being unable to play it thanks to abysmal controls is an understandably irritating problem. It’s no coincidence that Factor 5 died shortly after Lair was released.