The real life of... Sonic the Hedgehog
Our sensational monthly look at a PlayStation icon

HOW DOES A speedy blue hedgehog come into being? Is it a case of dunking a wild hedgehog into blue paint, and praying it has supernatural powers? Yes. Sonic may or may not have been dunked into blue paint, but one thing’s sure: this anthropomorphic beast has had his ups and downs.

Sonic started life in 1991, as a mascot for Sega’s hardware assault – his rival was a fat plumber called Martin, or something, so it wasn’t hard. Anyway, three people, whose names we’ve forgotten, created the blue speedster in the Mega Drive era. Presumably, each person brought an idea to the table: one had the idea of him being a hedgehog, another thought of his pointy shoes and the last guy came up with the colour blue. Genius. A hedgehog in shoes? Could the world fathom such creative splendour?

Apparently, it could. The blue chap ran rings around the competition, and Sega pimped him out ’til he was fit to burst. It took him to all sorts of arenas, including the racetrack and pinball machines. With the exception of 2D platforming, however, Sonic’s been a failure with every differentiated adventure he’s undertaken. Sonic Pinball was alright, and we enjoyed the Mean Bean Machine spin-off for the Mega Drive.

But 3D was to be his true weakness. First, there was the awful Sonic Adventure, but the 3D games actually worsened as time went by. Sonic Heroes was a joke that forced you to control three characters at once, while Sonic Riders was unspeakably bad. Both had the charm of a cheese sandwich, but the worst was yet to come. Introduce the PS3 Sonic game to long-term Sega fans, and they’ll vomit.

Sonic on the PS3 was a confusing gesture to fans. The hedgehog found himself in all kinds of mischief, including inter-species shaggery. Sonic found a woman, but she was a fl esh-and-blood human – where did that come from? That’s the most shocking sexual twist since Mark Fowler slept with his mum on The Bill. Nothing means anything any more.

Now, he’s reduced to cameos in embarrassing corporate crossovers. Super Smash Bros, for example, is a chore, but this is the summation of Sonic’s recent form. Instead of re-establishing himself as a beacon of modern platforming genius, he is sewage for the brain. Sega should drag up another retro chump to be its next mascot. Alex Kidd is overdue a modern day re-imagining. Instead of coins, you could collect protection money. We’ve clearly stopped caring.