The real life of... Solid Snake
Our sensational (and monthly) look at a PlayStation icon

LIFE. IT’S A tough one, there’s no doubt about it, but mortality is always hampered by the events that are beyond a person’s control. Naturally, these often include obstacles such as vestigial tails, an allergic reaction to sugar and a transvestite mother-in-law with chalk for teeth. Solid Snake, however, was born at the centre of Les Enfants Terribles, a horrific experiment that saw a man with an eye patch cloned three times. He was a good soldier, or something, so all of this made complete and utter sense.

Anyway, with that not causing any kind of confusion to us whatsoever, Snake’s childhood continued to be… well, there’s only one word for it: problematic. Snake, with his mullet and, possibly, his slippers, had a rather large tussle with his father in the soldier’s paradise of Outer Heaven. Given that his old man was brandishing a big robot at the time, that went by the name of Metal Gear, this was a halfdecent (but emotionally tragic) victory for the super spy.

His next Metal Gear-related adventure came many orgyfilled years later, with the Shadow Moses incident. Snake encountered his genetic brother, Liquid (although he often answered to the name of Steve), before eliminating him in a round of fisticuffs. This was after he’d fought another big robot, of course. During Shadow Moses, he came across a ginger goddess called Meryl, who happened to be wearing a tank top throughout these events. As hot and sexy as she was in all her ginger, feisty glory, she may or may not have died during the experience. Also, they never had sex, and the textures on her face made her rather unappealing.

Despite being shunned for a blonde wimp in the most recent of his military outings, Snake came back to help see off his other brother, Solidus Snake, during the Big Shell incident. Given that Big Shell was a series of sweaty military encounters that took place on a big oil rig, encompassing a podgy, bald bomb expert and a gay vampire, things did get a little confusing for the tactical espionage clone. Why wasn’t he the hero any more? Why had a fruity man outdone him?

Now, as Snake enters a baffling old age that lacks conventional explanation, he once again reigns supreme as the protagonist of MGS 4. Since he’s the only Les Enfants Terribles child star that isn’t a complete mentalist, he deserves one last bout as the stealth-‘em-up king before he puts a bullet in himself. Shame, really. If he wasn’t quite so troubled, he could’ve had some little clones of his own.