The real life of... Crash Bandicoot
Our sensational (and monthly) look at a PlayStation icon

BORN IN THE first half of 1995 in sunny Los Angeles, Crash had typically blissful beginnings in the arms of his supportive parents at Naughty Dog. As he grew into a well-rounded child, Crash quickly became notorious for the odd placing of his eyes, his strange taste in trousers but, ultimately, the quality of his gaming debut, the self-titled and huge-selling Crash Bandicoot on the PSone. Crushingly, his oncoming successes could never prepare him for an eventual spiral into vice, prostitution, and… a team up with Spyro the Dragon. This is The Crash Bandicoot Story, exclusively in your beloved Play magazine.

As he wooed the audience at E3 1996 with his simple-yetbrilliant take on the 3D platformer, anticipation for Crash was at a sumptuous high; he was sure to be a hit. As all the journalists in the land fell in love with the naughty dog, Naughty Dog began to treasure its baby, as if he were a sexy casserole, or something similarly enticing. Fame beckoned.

Over his three games, beginning in 1996, Crash shifted over 10 million copies worldwide, becoming, with Crash 3, the first international title to sell over a million copies in Japan. Huzzah, he possibly cried! Crash was famous. All loved him: children, parents, the elderly, jaywalkers and even sex addicts came to appreciate his rave-era, insane veneer.

Then, tragedy struck in the Naughty Dog household. The next generation was soon to wash over the beloved icon and, in 1999, Naughty Dog became aware of his pending uselessness in the next generation: it was time for Crash to go. After a voyeuristic and pleasurable time as PlayStation’s sweetheart, Crash Bandicoot sank into the arms of the loving fanatics, the kind that still believed in the simple pleasures of his dated antics.

Meanwhile, Crash, now ageing and drinking heavily (from a cider brewed from the apples he collected), was forced into a team up with Spyro the Dragon in his most humiliating career move to date. His loving parents at Naughty Dog long departed, Crash was at the lowest point of his entire, fictional existence. Perhaps it was the insufferable Crash Bash that initiated the hatred usually reserved for estate agents, or Hitler, but the world was done with the rabiesridden Bandicoot, regardless.

Still, as we enter what will be his third console generation, we can’t help feeling happy about the Bandicoot’s evaporated status in this modern age. Of course, he’s still being flogged in the monstrous-sounding Crash Of The Titans for PS2 and PSP, so we’ll leave Crash with the same advice that the bumblebee gave to the rose: stop being a prick.