More Street Fighter Movies? Well If You Insist…
At least base future movies on the following characters.
Capcom is promising (threatening?) that it will be backing more Street Fighter movies in the future even though it’s second attempt, Street Fighter: Legend Of Chun-Li was a total flop. We may even have preferred the Jean Claude Van Damme movie, but only in the way we prefer embracing a cactus to sticking nails through our feet. But, if Capcom insists on following this folly it can at least follow these plot ideas:
Legend Of E. Honda – He’s big, he’s fat, he’s a sumo wrestler and he’s comfortable with that. This heart-warming tale of one obese man’s fight for recognition and love for who he is and not what he looks like will make audiences cry with sadness and joy. Flashbacks show a young Edmond’s school days, picked on by martial arts jocks like Ryu and Ken, but beginning to see a path for himself in the world of wrestling. Now older and wiser Honda looks for love on the Sumo circuit, but instead finds hetereosexual make companionship with fellow large fellow Rufus.
Legend Of Guile – A crack commando was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn’t commit. This man promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire… no wait. That’s not the right movie at all.
Legend Of Zangief – Having trained himself as a wrestling master by fighting bears in Siberia, Zangief becomes humanities last hope as a troop of marauding, super-intelligent and gigantic lizards attacks Russia. The wrestling master tracks these monsters down, uses his thick skull to nullify their reasoned arguments and talk of galactic peace and proceeds to Spinning Piledrive each and every one of them into oblivion. He then returns to Siberia to drink vodka with his wrestling bear friends.
Legend Of Cammy – When Delta Red is called upon to lead an undercover sting in the hopes of finding incriminating evidence of M. Bison’s war crimes there’s only one person to turn to; Cammy White. It helps that the sting will centre around one of Bison’s many gentlemen’s clubs. Cue about 90 mins of a semi-naked Cammy dancing provocatively or kicking Shadaloo backside until she eventually squares off against her arch-nemesis and gets to put some clothes back on. (Guaranteed to be highest grossing movie of all time though).
Legend Of Ken – While he may have spent much of his school days picking on poor, fat E. Honda, Ken Masters was actually going through an identity crisis of his own. Having left his family in America to live in Japan he struggles with his heritage, torn between East and West. the result is a fractured human being, at once at home in Eastern martial arts, but also desperate to be western (dying his hair blond for instance). This conflict makes him a difficult person to spend time with as only Ryu has the patients for his temper and his refusal to pay for meals or rounds of drinks. Because Ken is cheap…