Marriage According to PlayStation
Marriage is an institute – or at least that’s what the institution tells us. So it’s always fun to see what the world of gaming makes of that point in life when your life is over. Ahem. But yes – marriage and games, let’s take a look:
Bishi Bashi Special
The world of Bishi Bashi Special is an interesting one for the sanctity of marriage, with vows swiftly followed by Hyper Pie Thrower. Following the priest’s cry of “ready… go”, the bride to gallops along the church floor before unleashing said Hyper Pie through the air, into the face of one onlooking guest. The more rows it clears, the higher the score and the happier the (unpied) guests are. It’s not insane, it’s just an unusual custom.
Liberty City isn’t a very nice place, of that we’re sure. But even we dared to hope that Nico’s cousin Roman would finally be able to get some genuine happiness in his life by marrying his sweetheart Mallorie. Alas, on exchanging vows, the happy couple [spoiler deleted] when [spoiler deleted] and [spoiler deleted] before [spoiler deleted], but when [spoiler deleted] depending on [spoiler deleted] on the [spoiler deleted], we know [spoiler deleted] and [spoiler deleted].
Metal Gear Solid
Raiden was enamoured with the love of his life, Rose. Unfortunately it turned out she was a spy for The Patriots and an AI soon replaced her, before eventually reuniting with Raiden – Jack, as she calls him – announcing she was pregnant and agreeing to tie the knot. Somewhere in-between, though, Raiden became a robo-ninja, Rose had a miscarriage and she ended up married to Roy Campbell. Simple, yes?
A happily married and generally good cop comes home from work to find three junkies, high on Valkyr, have murdered his wife and young baby. He is understandably a bit miffed, and decides to take out his frustrations on just about every single criminal in New York, mainly in slow motion. Max is now living the bachelor life in Brazil, describing himself in personal ads as having “more to love” and “thinning on top”.
We Love Katamari
There are few better places to celebrate the union of two people than under the watchful gaze of the King of All Cosmos, and one happy couple decided to do exactly that on the Save the Pandas level of We Love Katamari. While we can only speculate, it would seem that having your wedding day ruined by a giant sticky ball thundering in and rolling up the organ player isn’t the most common story of marriage.
Those yet to tie the knot
Freeman and Vance
Half Life 2
Surely no one could fall for the bespectacled, silent, nerdy type? Well, by the end of Episode 2, we’re willing to think differently. They haven’t so much as held hands yet, but we can see nerdy, sassy, bespectacled, silent, adventurous, bearded children on the post-Combine horizon.
Silent Hill 2
They were actually married in days gone by, but the Mary Sunderland pursued by once-hubby James in 2001’s epic psychological horror isn’t actually her, as she’s dead, so technically they’re not married. Just another way in which the prospect of marriage is utterly terrifying.
Funny and The Rapper
Parappa the Rapper
The boyhood crush of young beanie-sporting dog Parappa the Rapper is a flower called Sunny Funny. This means a dog wants to copulate with a flower. We’re not that surprised, what with dogs being foul animals and all, but this is stretching things a little bit.
Drake and Fisher
Nathan Drake is a dashing rogue, but Elena Fisher fends off his advances throughout their adventure until, at the very end, they oh-so-nearly share a smooch. By the time Uncharted 2 rolls out though, that potential relationship has gone bye-bye in favour of a new woman. OR HAS IT????!?!?!??