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Locoroco
Sony, PSP (2006)
Ooh, it’s like soooo Japanese...
Do you ever wake up in
the morning, stare at
the roof of your room
and ask yourself one simple,
depressing question: what is the
point? Games like LocoRoco are
designed to save you from this
brutal state of mind, but this
speciflc PSP title only encourages
it. LocoRoco is a platformer, you
see, that sees you tilting small,
singing creatures to the end of
each level. And that’s good, is it?
Only in the same way that cancer
is better than head lice.
Unfortunately, LocoRoco has
earned the worthless distinction of
being called the PSP’s best game
– a title that is sadly moot, given
that its competition is a couple of
boring racing games and a nasty
set of PS2-to-PSP console ports.
Nope, LocoRoco was billed as the
Nintendo-style game that would
save the PSP from mediocrity. It
failed.
LocoRoco is both boring
and short, and only the moronic,
twinkle-eyed glow of the sweaty
moron could find any good in
it. Seriously, taking a gander at
the LocoRoco Cockorochface
(or something) screensaver this
month ignited the hatred all over
again – it’s a game that is trying too
hard to be twee.
Nothing about LocoRoco means
anything. The Moja enemies in the
game are uncomfortable enough:
villains with dreadlocks, black
faces and big lips? Sorry, Sony,
but I’ve seen Mississippi Burning,
and guess what? It was exactly the
same as LocoRoco. Well, perhaps
the comparison there is just a
little bit too bleak (and untrue),
but this is extremely uncouth for a
children’s game.
I also have a rigorous hatred of
the LocoRoco themselves – why
are they singing so keenly? Why
are they pretending that they’re
having a good time, being rolled
around various scenarios until
they’re ill enough to barf? But no,
they don’t barf, because this is a
kids’ game. Everything has to be all
happy in LocoRoco land, including
the ridiculous ‘green’ approach to
saving the planet, and all the rest
of that pump. Sorry, mate, but I’ve
seen Al Gore in an Inconvenient
Truth: I’ve listened to a boring
white man waste my time for 90,
excruciating minutes, and I don’t
need to see the same life-wasting
ideological trash in LocoRoco,
spouting from the stupid mouths
of a dozen space-hopper-shaped
bastards! Leave it out, and let me
be: I love throwing glass bottles in
with the rest of my rubbish, and I’m
not changing my ways because of
some two-bit platformer. Life is just
too short.
The level design is plain, and
unchallenging. Supposed ‘quirky’
elements, such as a smiling sun
and little blue men (that only
utter “mui-mui” ominously), add
only one thing to the experience
– smelly balls. The combination of
stupid, cutesy design and abusive
audible annoyance is too much to
bear for any real person. Listen to
me, kids: once you’re past the 16
barrier, the shitstorm will come
raining in. Give up LocoRoco now,
and prepare yourself for a life of
looking into the mirror with a sallow
face, sunken eyes and a depressed
spirit. It’s coming soon, to a PSP
near you. And your life.
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