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Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Ubisoft, PS3 (2007)
RPGs belong on the PC
Oblivion’s bandwagon
was a potent vehicle. Its
wheels were powered by
a combination of flashy graphics
and media hype. It promised "total
immersion", "ground-breaking AI"
and "realistic NPCs". It chugged along
menacingly, stopping to brainwash
every console owner whose previous
idea of an RPG was Career mode on
Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.
Ground-breaking AI? Realistic
NPCs? I don’t know about Bethesda,
but the reality I live in doesn’t
contain an inordinate amount of
impressionists. Just imagine if
you struck up a conversation with
someone who replied to you in the
exact same voice as the guy next to
him. It would be terrifying.
Yet such scenarios crop up all
the time in Oblivion, and despite the
900,000 plus words in the English
language, the denizens of Tamriel
like saying the exact same phrases
to each other, repeatedly. Congrats
Bethesda, you’ve really made me feel
immersed – in utter shit.
In fact, Bethesda is lucky I don’t
sue over Oblivion’s narrative, as
the endless dirge of rehashed
fantasy drivel was so brutally dull I
accidentally ate my own testicles in a
demonic spasm of anguish.
And in what subterranean commune
did the developer discover those voice
actors? They sound like lobotomised
insurance salesmen. Listen carefully
to Emperor Uriel Septim VII’s dialogue
and you can hear how close Patrick
Stewart comes to howling satanically,
as he thinks of lies to tell his kids when
they ask him what daddy did today.
Sure, many RPGs have bad
dialogue and stories, but they make
up for it by empowering players with a
sense of character progression. But in
a cynical attempt to appease numpty
console owners, Oblivion’s enemies
automatically scale themselves to
your level, rendering the concept of
experience points almost redundant,
and obliterating the most satisfying
aspect of the genre.
However, the worst thing about
Oblivion is that its predecessor,
Morrowind, is a better game.
Morrowind has more abilities,
weaponry and armour; more quests,
creatures, enlisting groups and back
story. It encourages more openended,
explorative, gameplay, with
plenty of quests that have alternative
endings. Talk of Oblivion being
‘ground-breaking’ is balls – even
today Morrowind, with its huge land
mass and absolute freedom, looks
more ambitious compared to it,
unless of course you measure a game
entirely by its graphics.
There’s no convincing you console
owners is there? With your magpieeyes
and sparrow-sized brains. Well,
the bandwagon may still be rolling
along, but mark my words, it’s taking
all you heathens straight to hell.
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