Game characters that aren’t supposed to be sexy… but are
Who’d have thought that Nintendo’s plucky 8-bit wonder could have recreated the supernatural sexuality of this flat-topped, new romantic deity, but see for yourself – boobs and everything. Phwoar!
At first I didn’t realise exactly what it was I was seeing. It was dark… I thought it was a skirt or something. But no, that’s his meat and two veg swinging about down there. At first I was disgusted and shocked but then, I have to admit, kind of impressed.
Jenna, Tera, Sasha and Ron
This only works if you name your worms after your favourite porn stars. The text commentary starts saying stuff like, “Jenna is ready for action” and “Tera turns the heat up”. Whoah!
Catherine The Great
I’m telling you, she looks like Cameron Diaz. Have you ever seen a portrait of the real Catherine The Great? She looked more like Sonia from Eastenders.
Holding hands and sitting on a sofa together isn’t supposed to be sexy but, phew, it works for me. Add your own jokes about horns and helmets.
Cream The Rabbit
She might be a rabbit with only one eyelash on each eye, but there’s something about the name ‘Cream The Rabbit’ that makes me think Cream isn’t as polite and gentle as she seems. It has to be a euphemism for something…
LEGO Star Wars
The idea of Princess Leia chained up in her slave outfit is such and enduringly sexy one that even in LEGO form it gets me… let’s just say the Force is strong in these pants…
She might be nothing more than a cluster of screens, robotic eyes and loose hanging cables that would not pass a health and safety check, but there’s something about GLADOS’ monotone voice, her odd sense of humour and, most of the all, the way she treats me mean that, y’know, keeps me keen.
I spent a long time pondering what it is about the Big Sister that produces sweat on this man’s brow, then it hit me – she reminds me of the Diver from series 2 of Channel 4’s Games Master show circa 1992/1993. She never showed her face on the show, but I’m assured by a friend who appeared on the show as a challenger when he was fourteen that she was smoking under there. I’m sure the same is true of Big Sister.
Okay, so when he’s naked he’s a Sackboy but when you put women’s clothes on him, does that make him a Sackgirl? Or a Sacktranny? Sony has never been clear on this issue and frankly I’m a little confused, especially when he’s dressed as Nariko or Chun Li. Fap!