Army Of Two Is The Worst Series This Generation
Do you know what the worst game – the worst series – of this generation is? It’s not Rogue Warrior. That you can laugh at. It’s not Assassin’s Creed, though the internet would have you believe I truly despise that game because I gave it a good mark. It’s not even Quantum Theory, which I refuse to acknowledge as either a game or a series (mainly because it isn’t a series).
It’s Army Of Two.
I’ve played both games to completion – I reviewed one for another publication in this company. I didn’t give it an awful mark, though I didn’t give it a great one. I derided both at the time, but I never truly considered just how much the passage of time would make me hate them.
Over the years it has festered away in the back of my mind, popping up more than it has any right to. It has served as the main example as to exactly what went wrong with this generation of games.
It’s the washed-out colour palette, the waist-high walls everywhere, the gun-porn, the obnoxious lead characters we’re meant to find in some way endearing, the obsession with painting PMCs as something valiant and heroic (apart from the evil ones), the fact it is aimed at the absolute lowest common denominator.
I don’t begrudge people a game to be aimed at them. I don’t even have issue with the fact it is aimed at the bottom rung. That would be phenomenal arrogance on my part, and I’m only capable of rather haughty arrogance. I just hate the fact EA tries to sell it as anything more than the piece of shit it is.
Remember those ‘moral’ choices in the second game? Killing tigers? Letting kids get shot? Idiotic nonsense like that? At first it made me laugh – these are silly little black-and-white choices with a twist in the tail! HOW HILARIOUS. Then I realised they were meant to be taken seriously.
I mean, I shot the tiger and I wanted the kid to die, obviously. But they weren’t interesting or fun decisions to have to make. An interesting and fun decision is any of the decisions in the Walking Dead adventure games from Telltale. They’re brilliant.
And so every time I see Army Of Two: The Devil’s Cartel, I just clam up. I have tried, I really have, but I cannot care less about any other game. Even the logo, with the W in ‘Two’ looking like the Roman numeral for three pisses me off.
It’s going to be the same bollocks that came before, it’s going to have the same bullshit story we’re meant to think is in any way funny or endearing, it’s going to have the same effect on my sanity when I inevitably play it and it’s going to make me more annoyed than I already am.
So thanks, Army Of Two, for being the worst thing to happen this generation.
And that’s my last-day-rant. See ya.