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8 Games You’re Bad At

8 Games You’re Bad At
8 Games You're Bad At
You, being bad at Skyrim, yesterday.

Gaming is bravado-heavy, littered with trophies and achievements for things you did well good, like and all about being the bestest-fastest-strongest. It’s not a place for second place.

So it’s unsurprising that a lot of the talk you’ll see or hear about games is about how great someone is, about how they dicked all over one particular level or how they ‘totally won a match against some other folks who were not as good as I was at this particular game in question’ (to use accurate, nerdy parlance). But there’s rarely the admission of ‘well, I’m actually crap at that’.

We don’t like being bad at games. People who make games generally don’t like us being bad at them, because if you’re bad at something you enjoy it less, and if you enjoy it less you’re less likely to give them more delicious money. And so many things are easy. Straightforward. Hand-holdy. Thor forbid they make you feel inadequate in any way.

But there are still some games about that make you feel pathetic. Rubbish. Like a piece of crap. Not necessarily through difficulty – it could just be You’re Doing It Wrong. Whatever the reason, here’s eight games you’re bad at:

Demon’s Souls

Dark Souls is the newer one, but it’s also easier, meaning you’re more likely to not be bad at it. You are, however, still bad at Demon’s Souls. Because Demon’s Souls is bad to you.

Virtua Fighter 5: Final Evolution

You think you’re good, jumping about and jabbing, ducking, throwing and countering. But you’re not good. You’re bad. Because you’re not as good as we are. Meaning you’re bad. There’s logic there.

Devil May Cry 3

See Bayonetta.

FIFA 12

You’re bad at FIFA not because it’s a hard game, but because you play football wrong on it. You repeat the same tactic over and over again, which is wrong. WRONG AND BAD. You do those stupid low crosses that bounce off the keeper and fall at the feet of a nearby striker and oh god we hate you so much.

Bayonetta

See Devil May Cry 3.

Battlefield 3

You’ve been playing BF3 wrong more so since the server rental scheme came into play, as now you’re all making your servers like better-looking COD matches. That is not how Battlefield 3 should be played. Stop playing Battlefield 3 wrong. You’re bad at it. BAD.

Metal Gear Solid 3

Hah, foolish mortals, running around the jungle thinking they can just take on all comers and – what’s that? You have no radar and you’ve just sank in the swamp and been spotted again and gunned down again? Must be that you’re just plain bad at Metal Gear Solid 3.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Because, more likely than not, you didn’t eat every single bee you encountered. Thus meaning you were bad at bee-eating, which is what we decided was the only real way to play the game. You poor, non-bee-eating fools.

That is the list and it is factually correct. Well, unless you’re actually good at any of these games. In which case you have every right to entirely ignore the premise of this throwaway blog entry. More power to you.




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  • Kamille

    but bayonetta is more about canned combos, compared to DMC3 that game’s super casual. DMC3 has the jump-cancel and all kinds of crazy stuff to do original combos while Bayonetta is all canned.

  • Ian Dransfield

    Well that’s demonstrably wrong in so many ways it’s made my head hurt. Jump-cancelling absolutely is in Bayonetta, as is everything else-cancelling.

    And canned combos? That’s… well, false. Wrong. Incorrect.

  • Guest

    Ian, u mad? I mean, the article was terrible, so I guess you would be.

  • Ian Dransfield

    I’m always mad, the article has no effect on this.

    Still, I’ve learned my lesson by someone being factually wrong about something alongside anonymous judgements on a throwaway blog I’ve written. I will lash myself throughout the night as penance.

  • Joey

    How dare you write an non-serious article like that! Ian, you terrible bastard!

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