5 Videogame Movies We Hope We Never See
According to the LA Times today a movie adaptation of Shadow Of The Colossus is not only on, but could well be incorporating 3D into the mix. This news comes as part of a piece about the way 3D is shaking up scripts in Hollywood, but frankly we don’t want to see it. Shadow Of The Colossus is an example of a game that works because it’s a game. After all, it has no real story, no narrative and no exposition. That means any film version will have to fill in the massive gaps between Colossi battles. We’re guessing those will be filled in badly.
Anyway, it got us thinking about what other videogames we never want to see made into films. Enjoy:
1. Half-Life -With a lead character that doesn’t speak, a supporting cast that have hours to get to know you and a plot that has bigger cliffhangers than a series of 24, Half-Life wouldn’t translate to film very well. Plus Freeman going from nerdy theoretical physicist to gun toting saviour of humanity is always going to be more believable in a game where you’re the one aiming the gun. Anyway, the Half-Life series is one of the best examples of videogame storytelling about; please don’t spoil that with a movie.
2. Metal Gear Solid – Fellowship Of The Ring, 178 minutes. Avatar, 162 minutes. A Metal Gear Solid movie we’re guessing would be somewhere in the region of 3000 minutes long. Numb bottoms galore. But in all seriousness Metal Gear isn’t about its long cutscenes, it’s about its long periods of time spent hiding inside a cardboard box or laying down in the dirt waiting for guards to repeat their patrol routes. Wouldn’t make for a very gripping movie. Oh, and the whole clone thing wouldn’t fly either.
3. BioShock -Rapture is a rich and potentially wonderful world, but trying to build a movie there will always end up blowing up in your face. Pirates Of The Caribbean director Gore Verbinski was attached to adapt the franchise into something for the silver screen and frankly that didn’t bode well. Getting Rapture right would require some subtlety and craft. Christopher Nolan perhaps or even someone a little more out there like Darren Aronofsky. BioShock is not summer blockbuster fair. It’s dark, gritty and murderous. Johnny Depp should steer well clear.
4. Fallout 3 – How on Earth would you ever go about recreating this world, let alone the journey the Vault Dweller takes through it. It’s compelling stuff, but wandering from village to scorched village is looking for your father and occasionally running away from giant red ants doesn’t strike us as immediately film worthy. Plus, would you have to make it as some kind of ‘build your own plot’ adventure? Perhaps going from screening room to screening room depending on the choices you want the hero to make. No, that’s just silly.
5. Resident Evil – Too late.
And the movies we would allow:
1. Uncharted – but only if you get Nathan Fillion playing Drake, otherwise it’s simply not worth bothering.
2. Brütal Legend – with Jack Black reprising the role of Eddie Riggs and maybe even putting that muscle suit back on.
3. God Of War – angry man takes to killing the Olympians. Yeah, that could work. It’s a schlocky b-movie to begin with, making it into a film isn’t going to do much harm.
Original story from LA Times