“I played EyeToy naked” and other gaming confessions
Have you got any embarrassing, guilty, regretful and, above all, funny anecdotes involving games? I’m not talking “I played Superman Returns just for the Achievements” or “I spent $100 on a Pokemon game” – I want stuff that’s a little more unusual.
To get the ball rolling, I asked around the office. Not naming any names, but the staff of Play and its sister publications have dark gaming pasts…
“I once played EyeToy Play naked. I could actually get a perfect score on Kung Foo without using my hands.”
“One day, I was sat next to my then-girlfriend who was doing some work – I was playing the PS2 and not really paying much attention to anything. I decided to put on Medal of Honor: Frontline, which opens with a rather intense ‘storming of the beaches’ D-Day level. It turned out that by this point, the gf had finished her work and decided to take it upon herself to storm my beaches, as it were. She also told me to not stop playing. War is awesome.”
She sounds so perfect. Too perfect I suspect.
“Due to an extremely difficult driving mission in GTA: San Andreas – you have to drive from one side of San Fierro to the other in a strict time limit, without damaging your car – I destroyed not one, but two PS3 controllers at massive personal expense. They were on two different occasions, as well. Apparently, I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. I’ve got it under control these days, but those were dark times. In addition, I destroyed a PSone and Disc 3 of Final Fantasy VIII after losing my Ifrit card in the Triple Triad minigame, due to its fiendishly unfair random rule. Finally, I smashed two copies of Viewtiful Joe due to the game’s disgustingly hard last level.”
Jesus! Hulk mad…
“Many years ago, when I was but a young whippersnapper, I enjoyed playing a free-to-play MMO named Furcadia – a colourful online world of anthropomorphic equines, felines and canines. I’d hang out at the bar, relax in my self-designed palace, recline in a shady glen with my fellow bipedal creatures; oh the laughs we shared. Unfortunately my young brain was too naive and guileless to realise this was a getaway for sexually active furries. All that talk of ‘yiffing’ went right over my head. I thought I was rejoicing in a magical wonderland; turns out I was slap bang in the middle of some kind of sordid bestial orgy. Who knew?”
Was it a fur-st person shooter?
“I loved 720° on the Commodore 64 so much, but my brother would always play it and not let me have a go. It just got too much, so I took the game and smashed it with a hammer so that neither of us could play. I regret doing that to this very day.”
If you’re a younger brother, you feel his pain.
“So intense was my addiction to Final Fantasy VIII that, when looking for something to spend my ‘hard-earned’ student loan on, decided it was a good idea to buy a neon sign with the FFVIII logo etched on it, glowing in bright pink. Not only was it a pointless neon sign that no one should own but to get it work I had to buy a foreign adapter for it. And still, the cable was half a meter long so I couldn’t even hang it. So it remained, unused, by my bedside for the remainder of the year. It’s now stashed away forever in a box.”
This is why students don’t get government grants any more.
“I remember playing Time Crisis II one day, furiously blasting my way through the campaign. I was playing a solo game, completely focused and determined to complete it. But along came a plucky young lad, no older than seven or eight, placing five of his hard-earned pounds, presumably from his pocket money, into the slot. I was quite near the end by this point and in a moment of selfishness I hammered the one player button five times, stealing the young boy’s credits before he got a chance to notice what happened. I kept completely quiet as he picked up the player two gun and tried to join in my session for a good five mintues before he walked off upset. Incidentally, I finished the game that day and I still maintain that he simply would haven slowed me down. Survival of the fittest and all that…”
That’s just evil. He will burn in Hell.
“I got so excited about Uncharted 2 coming out I booked a few days off work to play through it all day long uninterrupted. However I neglected to tell my wife that I wasn’t going to work. I’d even eat the packed lunch she made me while playing it. To complete the charade I would leave my house to go around to my mate’s about half an hour before she got home and then leave my friend’s house at the same time I would normally leave work – arriving home at the same time as a normal work day where dinner would be waiting… The perfect crime.“
She’d make him do chores if he told her he was taking the day off.
Now, over to you, dear readers. You’ll feel better once you’ve got them out in the open and fear not, confidentiality is assured.